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Cramer said we all know what happens to stocks when job creation soars: The markets start fretting over another Federal Reserve interest rate hike. But if job creation slows, that unleashes its own parade of horribles.
A bad jobs number would likely send oil prices lower on the premise that demand is falling. It will also unleash more rhetoric from the political candidates anxious to jump on any and all bad news. The banks will also likely fall because they need higher interest rates to thrive.
Cramer said the insurers will do well, however, as we saw today with both Chubb (CB) and Allstate (ALL) surging 3.9%. But retail will not be so lucky. L Brands (LB) fell 12% on a weak forecast for the rest of the year.
Cramer said investors should also expect the rotation out of the cyclicals and into soft goods makers, like Kraft Heinz (KHC) , a stock which he owns for his charitable trust, Action Alerts PLUS, which posted a 1% rise in sales but saw a 3% gain in its stock price.
All of these sectors have their fates resting in the hands of tomorrow's jobs report, Cramer concluded, which is why the number needs to be just right.
Elon Musk Can Get Away With Murder
Some CEOs can get away with anything, Cramer told viewers, while others can't seem to catch a break. That was Cramer's conclusion after earnings from Tesla Motors (TSLA) , Apple (AAPL) , an Action Alerts PLUS holding, and Fitbit (FIT) this quarter.
Cramer said that while Tesla posted in-line earnings, CEO Elon Musk's projection that Tesla would be producing 500,000 cars a year by 2018 after barely being able to produce 17,000 this quarter was shameless. He said Musk can get away with it because Tesla's cars are in high demand.
But then there's Apple's Tim Cook, who despite also posting great earnings was seen as a huge failure for overseeing the "death" of the iPhone. Cramer said the quarterly decline in demand for the iPhone was all investors needed to begin writing the company's obituary.
Finally, there is James Park, CEO of Fitbit, who singlehandedly sent his company's shares plunging 18% after beating this quarter's lowered expectations, then inexplicably lowering next quarter's expectations in an effort to repeat the cycle. Cramer said numbers apparently mean nothing to Park, who should just not offer guidance at all if his company is unable to make a proper forecast.
Cinco de Mayo Beer Rankings
In honor of today's Cinco De Mayo holiday, Cramer took the opportunity to rerank the beer companies to see which ones are coming out on top.
Cramer said the big news in the beer biz is the Anheuser-Busch InBev (BUD) acquisition of SAB Miller. The deal has been held hostage by regulators, but as the roadblocks are slowly being removed, the deal could come to fruition after all. But in the meantime, Cramer said Bud will trade on rumors and speculation and not on earnings.
Molson Coors (TAP) also saw strong results, with an 11-cents-a-share earnings beat this quarter with better-than-expected revenue and cost of goods down 5%.
Finally, there's Boston Beer (SAM) , a stock that's been getting crushed, and for good reason. After seeing growth near 35% just a few years ago, Boston Beer last reported a decline of 5% with the lowest gross margins its seen in five years.
Cramer concluded Constellation remains best of breed in the beer wars, with Molson Coors coming in a close second. Anheuser-Busch is nice, he said, but not until the merger closes. As for Boston Beer, that stock is just plain ugly.
Executive Decision: Juan Ramon Alaix
For his "Executive Decision" segment, Cramer sat down with Juan Ramon Alaix, CEO of Zoetis (ZTS) , the animal-health pharmaceutical company that recently reported a 17% increase in earnings and raised guidance.
Alaix said this year's theme at Zoetis is companion animals, which is why the company is releasing Simparica, a chewable tablet for dogs that protect against fleas and ticks for a month at a time. Zoetis is also very proud of Apoquel, a new drug that inhibits itching in dogs.
When asked about the spreading Zika virus, Alaix said that so far Zika is not affecting livestock, so it is not on Zoetis' radar for the moment. He added Zoetis now has a good presence in China and is helping to prevent diseases in cattle, swine, poultry and sheep around the globe.
Cramer said Zoetis remains a great stock to own.
Am I Diversified?
In the "Am I Diversified?" segment, Cramer spoke with callers and responded to tweets sent via Twitter to @JimCramer to see if investors' portfolios have what it takes for today's markets.
Cramer said he'd bless this portfolio as diversified.
Cramer said this portfolio was in good shape and "works."
After reviewing this portfolio, Cramer said this portfolio was also perfectly diversified.
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