NEW YORK (TheStreet) – With the annual Wal-Mart (WMT) shareholders meeting fast approaching, investors are scrutinizing the retail behemoth's stock price given that Americans rely so heavily on the store for household supply staples, food and clothing.
But the Wal-Mart offerings stretch even further than one might typically imagine: from the morbidly absurd to the straight-up wacky, the "rolling back prices" giant truly offers consumers everything.
Below TheStreet compiled a shopping list of items that we think could bring some serious top-line growth to the retail superpower. You be the judge.
1. Official Major League Baseball Casket, Boston Red Sox
Just in time for Father’s Day, Wal-Mart.com is selling your dad’s favorite baseball team-themed caskets. What better gift to give your dad, the die-hard Yankee fan, than a decked out Red Sox casket? He’ll be turning double plays in his grave! If cremation is more your thing, Wal-Mart also supplies urns emblazoned with motifs and logos of your loved one's favorite baseball team.
2. Whetstone Magenta Marauder Katana Sword, 40.5"
Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like a 40.5-inch, genuine steel blade katana sword, and with the price point at only $21.39, you can afford to get that special someone the perfect gift. We do warn our readers to proceed with caution when wrapping this gift; paper cuts can be a serious issue when not treated correctly.
October may be far away, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pull that Sexy Taco Dress for any old fiesta. Created by fashion design house Rasta Imposta, this sexy taco dress paired with the chic mini-sombrero headband will turn both heads and stomachs. Made of the same stuff as authentic fast food tacos, this dress will be a wardrobe staple for decades to come.
Has your love life lost its sizzle? If so, we strongly recommend purchasing Rasta Imposta’s Sexy Bacon dress to turn up the heat. We caution readers though to only pair this dress with good running shoes when worn outside of the house, because it has been known to inspire mobs similar to those found on AMC’s "The Walking Dead." Of course, despite any danger, you'll be certain to be in vogue: bacon these days is a hot commodity.
Probably the best marketing decision ever made in the history of mankind, you can find Duck Dynasty Duct Tape on Wal-Mart.com for only $5.83. Although duct tape may solve everything, we at TheStreet do not suggest using Duck Dynasty duct tape on anything you do not plan on losing. We tested the product on one of our interns, and are still trying to find him. If found, please let him know we are deeply sorry and to please return him to TheStreet’s offices in New York so we can put him back to work.
Given the current trading price of $37.60, down from $50.90, we at TheStreet put a strong buy rating on the American Trading Houses coin embedded toilet seat. Using sophisticated modeling and a team of highly underqualified interns, we value the coin studded toilet seat at $30.25, far below current trading prices. Our model was constructed by counting each coin in the toilet seat, which our interns found to be 121 quarters, and given that quarters are currently trading at around $0.25, we came to an intrinsic value of $30.25, providing the opportunity for riskless arbitrage.
Although pickle-flavored lip balm in itself does not belong on this list, the fact that ‘Dill Flavored’ is the only given option definitely elevates this product into this elite Pantheon of strange. Who in his right mind would honestly think dill flavored pickle lip balm was a good idea when bread and butter pickle lip balm is such an obvious superior alternative? Shame on you, Wal-Mart.
A teaser to our next Fact’s You Should Know video, Mats and Enzo’s critically acclaimed How To Poo on a Date comes in hot at number eight on our list. Probably the most important work in English literature since James Joyce’s Ulysses, this work of art deals with themes and motifs imperative to writing about human nature while also providing a source of toilet paper in a jam.
Editor's note: the writer assigned the task of writing these cute little paragraphs has been hospitalized due to excessive vomiting. We at TheStreet wish him the speediest of recoveries, and our thoughts and prayers go out to his family and loved ones. Disclaimer: TheStreet is in no way liable for the damages due to the sight of the images above.
10. The Bop Obama Punching Bag
Regardless of any political preferences and with all sarcasm and jokes aside, we are deeply saddened to report that Big Mouth Toys’ The Bop Obama Punching Bag is in fact the first thing that shows up when searching "Obama" on the Wal-Mart.com search bar. We wish we were kidding.
11. Presidential Barack Obama & Joe Biden Salt and Pepper Shakers
Known to spice up political debate at any dinner table, the Presidential Barack Obama & Joe Biden Salt and Pepper Shakers are a steal at $15.88. To quote the literature on the subject, "conversation starters don’t come much better than these ceramic likenesses of the President and Vice President." Of course, we couldn’t agree more.
12. Presidential Obama Adult Halloween Mask
Exhumed from the mind of Stephen King, the selection of Barack Obama masks is full of deals and will literally scare you senseless.
13. Please Warm My Weiner: Old Time Hokum Blues Vinyl
Although a better album than anything produced by Justin Bieber, we can only hope that all copies and album covers for "Please Warm My Weiner" were ironically drowned in gasoline and torched. Given that the internet was not around at any point even remotely close to when this sort of thing would be socially acceptable, we cannot seem to understand why this ever made it onto the site.
One of the research and development department's crowning moments, Wal-Mart.com is selling, for the first time, real stegosauruses. This armored stegosaurid dinosaur was originally a herbivorous quadruped but has since learned to digest both dog food and biscuits and has even learned to play fetch. His greatest trick? Playing dead for millions of years.
15. Sig Sauer M400 Rifle
We tried to buy some stocks at Wal-Mart.com but the only ones we could find were GUN stocks, while we're not sure what company trades under the ticker GUN, there did seem to be a large volume trading of GUN. Unfortunately however we were not able to buy these stocks online and our traders FINRA licenses were not accepted in in-store sales so our normal stockbrokers were unable to buy GUNs on our behalf.