NEW YORK (TheStreet) -- There is no more urgent situation requiring the spin that only a high-powered centrifuge could provide than Tesla's (TSLA) need to raise additional capital. With only $1.5 billion in cash left, increasing net losses every quarter, and a quarterly burn in excess of $550 million, it does not require advanced math to figure out that the company needs to make a serious capital raise before Thanksgiving.
Here is my attempt at playing the company's hired spin-meister and writing a Tesla press release for the purpose:
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The Next $3 Billion: A New Gigafactory to Supercharge the World
Tesla is launching a $3 billion opportunity for growth-hungry investors to take part in our most ambitious plan to change the world yet. With the way Tesla stock has been going in the past month, you probably don't need to hear any more, but please, just for a moment, put down your checkbooks, and listen.
In the recent weeks, the company has been overwhelmed by inquiries from channel partners and end-users alike to purchase battery systems for energy storage. This demand vastly exceeds the size of our current and planned automobile business. There are many more buildings -- residential and commercial -- in existence in the world today, than we will realistically sell cars in the next decade. In addition, demand is coming from the utilities that service these buildings. A battery is everything to everybody.
The opportunity is immense. If only 1% of the world's population sends us a $3,000 check, that's 70 million people multiplied by $3,000, or $210 billion. $210 billion! And why shouldn't they? We have told them that they really ought to buy this box, and they typically do what we tell them to do. Think about it: For only $3 billion, you as an investor could be facing the opportunity to serve $210 billion worth of sales. That's in the same ballpark as Apple (AAPL)!
As a result of this overwhelming demand, the first gigafactory in Nevada is already more overbooked than a United Airlines (UAL) business class cabin. Everything we will produce in the first $5 billion gigafactory is already spoken for, from here to infinity.
So, we must immediately start planning for a second gigafactory. At a cost of $5 billion, a $3 billion capital raise will enable us to own a majority of it.
Some critics have objected that the battery storage business has lots of competition by established players, including some of the world's largest companies, from ABB Group (ABB) to General Electric (GE) to LG Electronics and Panasonic, and many more dozens of companies. It may be that this is an established business, but let me ask you: Do you know the names of the CEOs of any of those companies? Do you subscribe to their Twitter accounts? When they Tweet, does it become the subject of a two-week, 12-hour-a-day, discussion on CNBC?
The answer is, of course, no. You don't know who they are, they don't Tweet, and nobody on CNBC has ever discussed any of their equivalent products, even though they have been in the market offering them for years. Therefore, they are not competition. Perception is reality. If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody hears it, did it really fall?
When Tesla fells trees, they land on your living room table and your life is consumed by it like a full-time job. That's why we can raise money for this product, even though we have no idea if it can be sold profitably. Profitability, in fact, doesn't matter -- this future is coming, do you want to be a part of it or not? This capital raise is your opportunity to invest something disruptive. You, too, can take part in this tech cycle's buzzword. Investor, seize the opportunity to hand us your money for a potential payback in year 2032.