PORTLAND, Ore. (TheStreet) -- Oct. 3 was apparently Freelance Psychotherapist Night at the Newmark Theater here in Portland. Somebody really should have told Fiona Apple this before she got on stage.It wasn't really an issue until about the tail end of the singer's performance, when one of the clearly trained professionals in question opted to waive her fee and offer Apple some advice free of charge: "Fiona! Get Healthy! We Want To See You In 10 Years!" Her colleagues, apparently not sharing the same view of Apple's aesthetic tells as this particular woman, lustily advised her to cram a notebook in it. Apple, for her part, made a simple request -- peppered with colorful adjectives -- to have the house lights brought up so she could see this woman being ejected from the room. That chafed against professional ethic of yet another of the theater's ubiquitous therapists on hand, who implied that Apple's best days may be behind her, remarking that "I saw you 20 years ago and you were beautiful." As early and unexpected therapy sessions often do, this got the better of Apple's emotions and forced her from the stage after a rendition of "Waltz (Better Than Fine)" before her allotted hour was up. What did she take away from her windfall of free life lessons: That she'd just endured a "historically stupid night" and that she's "not going to try to convince someone I'm healthy." Since there are a few people in this town who've now doled out their painstakingly detailed and researched analysis and received nothing in return -- not even thanks for what they know to be a good deed -- let us repay the favor with some advice of our own: Just shut it. Seriously, shut up. The price you willingly paid for a ticket -- no matter how high it might have been -- entitles you only to the performance and, perhaps, a seat. Nobody else who paid that same price did so to hear your thoughts on the proceedings or any other interjection you may have on hand. In this forum, your words are worthless -- of no value whatsoever. Even worse, they only diminish the value of the tickets being held within earshot of you and do irreparable damage to the live concert experience in general. In fact, they so degrade the communal experience in general that they turn other patrons away in droves each year.
You know that crowd feels lucky that they got to see me freak out. It's just like being at theAnd that's just it -- they want the breakdown, they want the chaos and they want the spotlight for their rightful place in all of it. The comment field concern troll becomes the concert therapist. The professional troll starts shouting for Rick James every time Chappelle lets a joke land. The social networking addict get so accustomed to posting every experience as it's happening that it never occurs to them that a smartphone screen in a darkened movie theater or concert venue is basically an undirected flashlight -- no matter how clever a line it tweets out or how awesome of a blurry, shaky, fuzz-addled video clip it produces. They want a cast member kicked out of their real-life version of the Real World or Big Brother house because that's the best part of each program. They want to vote a star off the stage because every broadcast talent show in the last decade has asked them to do just that. In every corner, their disruption has been validated and their every thought has been declared worth hearing simply because it is true. It isn't. Simply having a thought is not a justification for verbalizing it, especially in a communal setting where the people around you have paid to see the attraction in front of them -- not the distraction to their side. Think Fiona Apple isn't looking well during the whopping 45 minutes you've seen her out of her life? Write her people an email or, better, take some vitamins and feel questionably superior for a day. Think she looks high? Consider that James Spader and James Franco have looked similarly high most of their lives and have had thriving careers as adults. Hate her twitching and muttering? Look up a Joe Cocker or Iggy Pop show on YouTube and see what an onstage fit looks like or, better, soak in Kurt Cobain's headbutt-the-monitor performance of School and ask yourself if maybe you haven't seen enough concerts in your lifetime to voice a qualified opinion. As for you, retreating ticketbuyer, why are you letting these people ruin an experience you're paying so much for? From 1981 to 2012, the average concert ticket price rose by nearly 400%, compared to the 150% rate of inflation. In 2000, the average price of a concert ticket was $41, according to Pollstar. Today, it's above $65 and rising. In 2012, the average cost of a movie ticket in the U.S. was just under $8. In 1996, the last time this few Americans were going to the movies, an average ticket cost $4.42. On Broadway, the $74 average cost of a ticket for the 2008-09 season ballooned to $117 by 2012-13. Since 2006, the average price on an NFL ticket rose from $62 to $81, according to Team Marketing Report. This all assumes you got tickets at face value and didn't pay more on the secondary market. That's an investment worth protecting and one that shouldn't be ruined by the thoughtless self-absorbtion of others. We're not advocating direct confrontation that would turn every event into a more of a strawman-building, insult-hurling, live-action message board than it already is. We're just suggesting that maybe you should help your favorite artists, performers and teams by getting event security to play moderator and expelling the offending party. It may take five minutes out of your event, but it beats wrapping things up a half hour or hour early because someone who had the self-restraint knocked out of them by technology didn't know when to keep his or her mouth shut. If that fails, prepare to view every event through a rectangular, digital filter from this point on. Follow @notteham -- Written by Jason Notte in Portland, Ore. >To contact the writer of this article, click here: Jason Notte. >To submit a news tip, send an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
expletive tiger show the night Siegfried & Roy got their throats bit out by the tiger. It's expletive up, but I know that's why you go to the tiger show. You don't go to see somebody be safe. You guys are thinking in the back of your mind, "This expletive might get bit. I'd like to see that for $35."