But, in all seriousness, this is just not the Apple way. TheStreet contributor Oliver Pursche penned an article I agree with most of the way through Page One. But as Page One turns into Page Two, he loses me. Pursche comes to the same not only sad, but terrifying conclusion as so many others: Apple is not done innovating, it still dominates, the stock should be higher (I pretty much agree with all of that), but it has all of this cash and it must use it to hike the dividend and give the stock a spark. He even floats the idea of a stock split. The sad and terrifying part isn't even that this is Pursche's opinion. He's entitled to it. It's quite popular these days. What makes me want to cry, triggers one of those middle of the night silent screams and prompts me to cue the most melancholy from Elliott Smith's catalog is that it appears Tim Cook and the Apple Board -- to some extent -- agree. They have indicated they'll do something with all of this cash Steve Jobs was so intent on hoarding. I understand this is difficult for folks who disliked any part of college outside of drinking and business class to understand, but it's not the actual act of apologizing, hiking the dividend or managing to the stock price that concerns me. While these things, in and of themselves, warrant anxiety, it's the bigger picture they portend that induces vomit. Apple has this amazing business and all of this cash, in large part, because it has not conformed to any sort of logic all these years. You can say I am beating a dead horse, but remember, I'm beating that horse alongside a seemingly endless drop in Apple stock and an unprecedented period of uncertainty regarding what, if anything worth writing home about, is next. Follow @rocco_thestreet -- Written by Rocco Pendola in Santa Monica, Calif.