We did a little checking for St. Nick and found he needs nothing short of a holiday miracle to get decent life insurance rates -- or to qualify at all. Good thing our favorite jolly old elf will live forever and doesn't need coverage.

Here's what's working against him.

Age

The older you get, the more expensive life insurance becomes. When Santa's age is disclosed for life insurance, all he gets is a lump of coal.

So we decided to be a little bit bad -- but with good intentions -- and fudge the numbers. (Don't try this at home when you're actually applying for insurance.)

With a beard white as snow, we figured Santa probably wouldn't pass for under 60, but his lively and quick ability to bound down chimneys and the twinkle in his eye should put him on the right side of 70. Our estimate for this exercise: 65.

Weight

A lithe, barbell-toting, tofu-eating Santa in red spandex and running shoes isn't our idea of jolly. Still, all that candy-cane taste-testing at the toy factory, along with those countless plates of milk and cookies on Christmas Eve, aren't doing Santa any favors.

Beloved as his plump figure is, Santa's chubbiness is going to cost him. We ran online life insurance quotes for a 20-year, $250,000 level-premium term life policy for a 5-foot-5, 65-year-old man living in Alaska. (There was no option for the North Pole.) With a healthy weight of 140 pounds, the cheapest rate was $2,573 a year. But anonymous, well-placed elf sources tell us Santa tips the scales at 215; that factor alone boosts the lowest rate to $3,700 a year.

Pipe smoking

It pains us to say this, but when it comes to insurance Santa's penchant for pipe smoking puts even him on the slightly naughty list. Yes, the way the smoke encircles his head like a wreath is charming. And he does indeed look dandy with that stump of pipe held tight in his teeth. But pipe smokers are at greater risk for lung cancer and all sorts of other very unmerry things.