Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.It's announcement time everyone! Stephen Colbert's running for President, and I, Jeff Kreisler, author of the Funny Money columns, am running... for my life. Apparently, the missus doesn't like me playing "Twister" with undergrads half my age after gigs. Who knew? Speaking of which, I had a show Thursday night at Plymouth State University ( hi kids) at the same time as the Red Sox game and an event called "Pizza and Porn." Dude, those are three of my four favorite things (after, um, my wife). I didn't even want to go to my show. In corporate news, GlaxoSmithKline's weight-loss drug Alli had impressive sales. I can't wait to find out what's wrong with it! Cancer? Diabetes? Heart disease? What are the lucky side effects? Seriously, I'm going to build a log cabin on Walden Pond and just wait this thing out. Can anyone bring by some porn? Apple reported a 67% profit increase and released a new operating system to be upgraded every 20 minutes for the rest of our lives. Oh good, as long as we're addicted to something. Keep drinking the Kool-Aid, everyone. Ya see, I actually like Apple products. Heck, got my first MacSE in 1990. That's the problem. I get grumpy when the things I like become popular. I wanna be special! Same reason I hate people picking up other trends I've got like messenger bags, jeans with blazers, and crippling manic-depressive sadness.
Meanwhile, Microsoft bought a $240 million share in Facebook. Somehow, I think Google won this battle. Ya see, every few months there's gonna be some new hot social networking site. Plus, once something gets corporate, it's no longer cool. MySpace, LinkedIn, blogs, Web sites, email, cellphones... It's all gonna change quickly, friends. So don't waste you money on any of this. Just join me up at Walden, and we'll have a grumpy old time. Microsoft also relented in its decade-old antitrust fight with the EU. It will share technical information with European rivals, and, to be spiteful, will also release Ethnic Strife and Third Reich Version 4.0 and make everyone actually use Windows Vista. Noooooo! In other tech news, Texas Instruments reported an increase in profit... wait, TI? I had a TI calculator before my MacSE... They still around? Dang. They old. Amazon's stock is near its high from 1999. See if you can find the problem in this quote from The New York Times: "Amazon.com announced a third-quarter profit of $80 million, a threefold increase from the $19 million it earned..." Um, three times 19 equals "Thanks for lowering the bar on math skills, Times." I'm sure all these high profit reports during economic uncertainty aren't fabricated. I'm so sure. No one's ever done anything that.