Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.Happy Anniversary everyone! It's been 20 years since Black Monday. One more year, we'll be able to drink. By that time, we'll need it. Citigroup's profit dropped 57% in the third quarter. The company admitted its risk management didn't function well over the summer. Gee, ya think? Three big banks created a new financing vehicle ostensibly to ease concerns over the shaky debt market. "Ya see, what you do is you just watch the Queen of Hearts. See the Queen? No big deal. Easy money. Watch the cards, follow the Queen, follow, follow. Oh, you lose. My name? Monte, and these are my three cards." In a related story, the SEC is investigating Countrywide Financial CEO Angelo Mozilo for selling hundreds of millions of dollars of stock before the company plummeted. "But but but, that's what I thought we were supposed to do," he text-messaged me on his way to the undisclosed location where Ken Lay and Elvis live. In corporate news, Apple is opening up the iPhone to outside programming, and will probably drop the price again, just to mess with people. I think the original iPhone release was just a social experiment to see what people will buy based purely on hype and cult, and how much they'll pay. Patience everyone. That's why I'm waiting to buy Google stock until it's just right.
The Danaher Corporation is buying Tektronix. No! He's just going to eat you! Oh, wait, that's not Dahmer? My bad, Tektronix. Go about making your music so fresh. Charles Schwab's third-quarter profits exceeded expectations. Finally, after bad pub about how sad he was, some good news for Charles Schulz. Lucy didn't pull the ball away, Snoopy caught the Red Baron, and I love Peanuts. (And yes, I know the difference.) Medtronic is recalling heart devices. You know, these advances in medical science just seem so unnatural, so risky. Why should we even have medicine? If we get sick and die, so be it, it's the way it was meant to be, we shouldn't tamper with the laws of nature. I feel the same way about traffic laws, Your Honor, which is why, for this reckless driving citation, I plead insanity. Toyota fell to number three in reliability, according to Consumer Reports. Ha! Take that! USA! USA! US... wait, No. 1 and No. 2 are Honda and Subaru? Crap. Well, we're still the best at being fat. Leslie Moonves got a new, performance-based contract from CBS. Performance based, eh? Look for sweeps week full of shows like Boob Island: The Game Show. Coca-Cola reported a 13% increase in earnings. Guess someone did buy the world a Coke after all. And keep it company... Abbott Labs' third-quarter earnings rose, prompting all black-and-white comedy duo investors to yell, "Hey Abbooooott!" Morgan Stanley sold its share of The New York Times Co. because, really, what's the point, now that Rupert Murdoch gets to tell us all how to feel. Yes, Fox Business Channel launched and was remarkably upbeat all week. No bad news, no big words, just sunshine and puppydogs and lollipops all from their broadcast studios in the heart of Stepford, Conn. Speaking of alternative realities, Silicon Valley is getting Silly-dot-com Valley again, throwing tons of VC money into projects with little-to-no revenue. Facebook? Really? Tell you what, some angel out there should give me just a few million and I'll make a good Web product. It'll be all the rage. Videos, blogs, charts, all at www.WatchMeSpendYourMoney.gov. eBay beat Wall Street's expectations for the third quarter because a last-second bid pushed the stock higher. Now let's just put an asterisk on it and blast it into space. The New York Times ran an article about the creators of the short online video series Chad Vader parlaying their success into entertainment careers. Well, duh. Waddaya think, we do this stuff for fun? I can speak only for myself, but online comedy, it's all for hot Hollywood babes. Yeah, a little for the money and power, but mostly the babes. Want proof? Check me out at: www.WatchMeDieAlone.tv. In an effort to inspire help for its safety operation, Mattel introduced a new toy: Product Tester Barbie. The FDA has begun cracking down on small drug makers because, well, the Feds need a cut. The FDA sends goons to these mom-and-pop pharmacies, and, while flipping a quarter underneath a street lamp, tells them, "Nice lab you got here, kid. Be a real shame, see, if anything should happen to it." The International Accounting Standards Board appointed a new chair for a term of, oh, let's just say two years. Give or take a few years. In that ballpark. I'm not really sure. Eh, that's close enough. Finally, why can't I win a Nobel? Here's my economic model: Struggling comics gets investor to allow him to pursue dreams. Promises to write jokes. It's a real zinger. See how I torpedo my own desperation? "I need you, but I don't want you." Check out my strategy at www.PassiveAggressiveFailure.uk.co Anyone sensing a theme this week?