The UAW held a 6-hour strike against Chrysler ( my poppa!) during which time negotiators for both sides sat in a stocked conference room and said, "You think we've been in here long enough?" Yeah, probably looks like we're serious, let's go. "Wait, hold on, I think I can wolf down another sandwich." Well... You're a tough negotiator. Only If I can have more Perrier!" "Agreed!"

Actually, the shorter strike was just an attempt for labor and manufacturing to reflect their lessened relevance. Mmmmm, iPods and debt.

Sallie Mae, the student lender, is suing a group of firms to force them to purchase the company. Sallie Mae keeps calling the companies and is able to track them down even when they move. The companies told Sallie Mae they were broke right now, but have been looking for jobs, and should be able to get her some money next month. Sallie Mae threatened to take away their diplomas.

The St. Joe company underwent big cutbacks this week, but it wasn't as bad as the Hey Joey company, which suffered a shortage of white tank tops and Camaros.

Ryder reported lower earnings, but the company's prospects look good should there be a massive need to move, such as a hurricane, change of administration, or a lot of foreigners buying all our property. Done and almost done and done.

Miller and Coors have merged so that their Lite and Light beers can just come from the same giant vat of lukewarm water. You won't notice the difference.

In a blatant case of copyright infringement, Boeing will delay delivery of its 787 Dreamliner. Hey! That was Airbus' story!

In a story about an American producer of Chinese food, the marketing director said: "We wanted our fortune cookies to be a little more value-added." Word of advice to makers of Chinese items: Don't say you've "added" anything.

Along those tainted lines, Johnson & Johnson, Wyeth and Novartis were among drug manufacturers recalling infant cold medicine. Oh, leave them be. They're going to grow to be lead-toy users anyway.

Profits at Yum Brands rose in part thanks to sales in China. So look for special lead prizes in your next bucket of KFC wings.

Unforeseen Complications

The German software maker SAP bought another company, and I'm just surprised that SAP is German. Every time I hit the SAP button on my remote, my TV doesn't say danke, it says gracias.

Royal Bank of Scotland finally won control of ABN Amro after reluctantly agreeing to throw in a kilo of haggis, one wet monster, and the right to veto kilt-wearing on windy days.

The EU is delaying Thomson's plan to buy Reuters because it might constrain competition in the financial information market. Here's some financial info: I want money. Gimme. I'll do good things.

NBC purchased the Oxygen network in an attempt to breathe life into its programming. It's a breath of fresh air. Investors breathlessly await with baited breath. Um ... NBC likes the ladies?

Cadbury will spin off Snapple and Dr. Pepper. Consumers should be warned to open the new company over the sink, because, having been spun, it might explode.

Citigroup combined two major units in an effort to keep all their money in one place.

ConAgra stopped production of Banquet pot pies ... and I don't care! Oh wait, the song's "Jimmy Crack Corn, and I don't care," not "ConAgra pot pies, and I don't care." Poop.

Wal-Mart consistently pushes for lower property taxes, because by "supporting the community," they don't mean "supporting" the "community." You don't need schools and fire departments. Just come work for us. It's menial and easy. Plus, we've got sprinklers.

Ford will build a plant in Thailand, which probably has no relation to the high cost of U.S. labor or the low cost of Thai immorality.

Analysts predict heating costs to rise this winter. In unrelated news, Exxon Mobil just purchased Mars.

After finally being taken private, TXU changed its name to Energy Future Holdings Corporation because "Doom Gloom Omnipotent Control Inc." wasn't sinister enough.

MGM Mirage announced plans to build a $5-billion hotel in Atlantic City and then make us all time-travel back into the '50s.

A federal panel cleared the way for a new heart stent from Medtronic, because it's been a while since anyone's profited from inevitable "unforeseen complications."

The CEO of Children's Place is engaged in a nasty legal spat with his former company in an effort to set a good example for customers.

The Fed was unclear about future interest rate movement, and stocks surged. Ah, back to the good old days of spring, when government uncertainty and/or incompetence and/or uninvolvement made the private sector giddy.

The Republican candidates all said the economy is doing great because they're getting millions of donations for just talking and talking and talking...

According to The Times, several stores are quietly beginning to market Christmas shopping. To those stores, I have a simple message: You must die.

New technology allows sports fans to keep track of their teams wherever they are. Oh, and the world's dying so much Al Gore won the Nobel. But gooooooo Rockies!

RealMoney Barometer Poll
1 What would best describe your stance heading into the coming week of trading?
2 Which of these sectors do you think is set to move up in the coming week?
3 Which of these sectors do you think is set to move down in the coming week?

View the results without voting
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler ( is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.

If you liked this article you might like

Funny Money: Central Banking While Intoxicated

Funny Money: Central Banking While Intoxicated

Funny Money: Dark Days

Funny Money: Dark Days

Funny Money: Foreign Aid

Funny Money: Foreign Aid

Funny Money: A Very Bad Year

Funny Money: A Very Bad Year

Funny Money: Autumn of Discontent

Funny Money: Autumn of Discontent