Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.The Dow and S&P 500 hit all-time highs on Friday, capping another week of strength for the resurgent markets. So were the credit crunch and subprime housing woes just a summer fling? A May-September romance, consummated behind the beach buffet of a stuffy golf and yacht club in Southampton? A confused teenage boy in khakis, awkwardly fumbling with a young girl's first Laura Ashley dress? Or will it linger? Do credit and subprime, shall we say, "have to get married"? Sometimes I think these columns reveal too much about a past I never had. In corporate news, Starbucks began offering music downloads in their stores. It's Phase VII in their Total Addiction Plan. Simply walk into a Starbucks, once, lay down, and become a jittery blob of jelly, pumped full of coffee, biscotti, and tepid music whose subliminal messages force you to keep buying, listening, and drinking yourself into a frenzy. Then, when you die, they squeegee out your body's remaining caffeine from your limbs and sell it to the next costumer. It's true. I read it on the Internet. Just like you did. Nokia will buy the navigational software maker Navteq for $8.1 billion, because text messages, drinking and the elderly don't kill enough motorists already. I'm just excited that the road map is going to go the way of the Dodo bird and our children's ability to spell out whole English phrases. IMHO.