Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Movers, Shakers & Heartbreakers
Whole Foods is considering splitting the CEO and chairman positions, in an effort to justify charging $10 for hummus. It's just smushed up chick-peas! After being kicked out, Gap's CEO Paul Pressler sailed off into the sunset on the Old Navy. The company's new strategy: Free Khakis! No, not giving away khakis, but freeing them from jail. They've been falsely accused! It's a miscarriage of justice ... and fashion. A judge rejected the request to freeze Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli's $210 million severance made by the General Employees' Retirement System of Pontiac. I don't know what they're complaining about. All employees get the same severance when they retire. Right? Carl Icahn is backing three nominees to the board of Cyberonics, a medical device maker. "They have the ability to genetically engineer a super-race of mutant investors based solely on my DNA." Cablevision's stock fell this week. All part of the Dolan Family plan to make their offer look good. Citigroup announced another management reshuffle. You know, Citigroup, MetLife has Snoopy, and they're doing just fine. Why not hire Marmaduke and see where things go? Merrill Lynch's Stanley O'Neal got paid $46 million in 2006, plus a new supply of minions. Oh, the bidding they'll do. Take-Two Interactive admitted that its board was complicit in backdating options and its stock rose. I guess it was better than expected, since the company didn't admit murder, prostitution, drugs, or, say, grand theft auto.