Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Delta's CEO denied that his company is considering a merger with Northwest. Then he denied wanting to coach Alabama Football, having relations with that woman, and the Holocaust. AOL named an international chief who will work from India. The current chief was notified by this sound: "Ding! You got outsourced!"
Speaking of McD's, McDonald's quarterly income rose the most in two years. Wait, that's not income, that's average customer body mass and cholesterol. My bad. The Boston Globe closed its three remaining overseas bureaus. No big deal, not like anything interesting ever happens in, say, Jerusalem. When's the last time American Idol held a tryout in "Europe"? AT&T is eliminating the Cingular brand, even after that company put billions into building it. Similarly, after all the effort I've put into building the Jeff Kreisler brand, I'm changing my name to something more recognizable. I'm deciding between Jon Stewart, Paris Hilton, or Free Candy Pizza Love. State Farm has finally agreed to pay 640 claims arising from Hurricane Katrina as part of a new corporate strategy to "stop looking like jerks." Yahoo!'s outlook is optimistic, which is good. Come on, they've been around 12 years, but that's Internet years, which is like 120 human years or 17 dog years. Yahoo's just a teenage dog. Give 'em a chance. United lost $61 million in the fourth quarter, but blamed the weather. Phew. I thought we were going to go a whole month without a new corporate scapegoat. Xerox' profit reportedly fell. Auditors aren't sure because the filings were all smudged in the copier.
Illinois will sell its state lottery for up to $10 billion and change the name of the state capital to Gomorrah. President Bush pushed for a huge increase in renewable energy in his State of the Union address, and demonstrated his commitment by providing an hour of hot air. El Presidente also provided a temporary boost for the ethanol industry. Sing with me: Corn! Uhn. Wha-at is it good for? Alternative energy. I'll say it again! Corn!! The Energy Department said that, by 2050, we may be able to generate electricity from rocks. Similarly, the Treasury said we may be able to get gold coins by capturing magic elves and eating their horns. Absolutely Nothing! I'll say it again! The new law restricting personal bankruptcy has helped American Express' bottom line. Also, in other shocking news, eating pie makes you fat. Macao has reportedly passed Vegas as the world's biggest gambling center. Sarbanes-Oxley! Damn you for slowing the loss of my life savings. Wha-at is it good for? About three grand. The Congressional Budget Office said the deficit could actually become a surplus by 2012 if Bush's tax cuts expire and if -- hope hope -- everyone at Treasury wins tonight's MegaMillions. Finally, the World Economic Forum starts soon, and, once again, Funny Money's invitation was lost in the mail.