Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

In a defiant move against the West, Venezuela announced plans to nationalize the iPhone.

Apple, the iPhone and you. Apple reported a 78% jump in first-quarter profit, mostly from overvalued smugness and overinflated egos. Congratulations, brothers and sisters. Your faith has been justified. To paraphrase Superman II: Kneel before Jobs.

I've always been an Apple guy, or, more precisely, a Mac man. But the Cult of Jobs is getting a little frightening. Guess what, people? Until he introduces the iFountainOfYouth, no gadget's gonna bring true happiness. That only comes from love, acceptance, and really good pie. (PS: I couldn't believe how much misspelled hate mail I got from an innocent little joke about the iPhone last week. I haven't seen this much irrational furor since Calpine investors learned to type).

Hewlett Packard was set to report an advance in adaptable circuitry that would allow users -- with just a simple phone call -- to convert their CEOs into defendants.

Speaking of which, Steven Woghin of Computer Associates was given a 2-year appointment to the other CA: Criminal Associates (i.e., jail).

Meanwhile, former Cendant CEO Walter Forbes was sentenced to 12 years in prison for the massive 1990s accounting fraud. He was also ordered to pay $3.3 billion in restitution, which he said he could raise with just a green visor, a business blog and two 10-Q reports.

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