Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Stocks rose this week on an announced surplus of awesome.

The surplus was led by Apple, which introduced the iPhone, prompting everyone to go completely bonkers. Relax, everyone, it's just a thing. It will take at least six months for it to become obsolete.

The iPhone's big breakthrough is that it uses touch-screen technology whereby users navigate with their fingers. What about the fat Americans with huge, chubby claws? Every think about that, Apple? No? Your stuff's only good enough for thin joggers? Well prepare to be sued...

As if on cue, Cisco promptly sued Apple over the iPhone's name, also claiming it owns the rights to "The Thong Song." Cisco's suit just beat NTP to the courthouse. Said NTP, "Handheld technology? That's our cup-of-litigation-tea."

One analyst noted that, with the inclusion of video on the iPhone, "We are seeing the emergence of the fourth screen." Huh. I thought it was just acid-reflux. You know what I'm waiting for? The moment when I'm talking to a friend and he asks "Remember that show from the '80s?" and I say "No" and a screen drops down from his forehead to play his memories. Then I'll punch him in the spleen.

At the Consumer Electronics Show one thing was clear: Electronics will consume us soon. (Luckily, we've got John Connor organizing a resistance!)

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