Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.Early this week, The Year rose 1 point, or 0.05%, to 2007, which was in line with expectations. Some analysts remain bullish, though, predicting it will increase again sometime this spring. Said one Morgan Stanley banker: "The unstoppable march of time is the next Google." Speaking of Google, a tech-head who failed in an online movie business sued Apple and Google over the same. "Oh yeah, and Levi's, I also invented pants." Apple is also being sued for the monopolistic practices of iTunes and iPods. Hey, plaintiff, what's the big deal? You don't like iTunes, you can always listen to records, though they only play with iPhonographs. In other tech/legal developments, South Korea is investigating Qualcomm's practices. In response, Qualcomm released its new handheld, wireless, giving-missiles-to-North-Korea technology. Elsewhere, Home Depot's CEO Robert Nardelli was given the boot with an impressive $210 million severance package. Imagine what he'd be worth if he pitched left-handed. I must ask, why the outrage? It's not like they were using that money to pay for knowledgeable staff. Nardelli's severance includes cash, stock, a pension, and $10 million just to keep him from laughing at you. The AT&T- BellSouth merger was finally approved, so there'll soon be just one phone company again, Ma Bell, who, according to legend, has "got the ill communication." (Pop culture from my youth. I trust you can relate.)
Amgen will buy a heart drug option. Since the drug's benefits are unknown, I expect Johnson & Johnson and Boston Scientific to somehow be involved in an irrational bidding war. Starbucks joined the list of those removing trans fats from its stores. Luckily, trans fats can fall back on their day job: dressing up like overweight women. Trans... Fats... Hello? Is this thing on? Geico struck a deal with the Port Authority to "sponsor" the George Washington Bridge. Commercializing the name of our first president: so easy a caveman could do it. But there is good news: I saved a bunch of money by switching to EZPass. Oh look, a talking lizard! Samsung plans to release a huge, 60-inch plasma TV so that, no matter what's on, you cannot watch your children grow. Looking ahead, the Detroit auto show opens next week with a special "Future of American Automakers" exhibit: a dirty guy selling pencils from a tin cup. In related news, Ford is leaving the minivan market, because "Now that the American population is aging, why would we want to sell a vehicle for an older demographic? That would, like, make us money. We don't do that." GM's sales fell for the seventh straight year. Hey, at least it's being consistent. The plan to save the auto industry: one car, $100 billion, daring Donald Trump to buy it.
In honor of The Wall Street Journal's new design, my jokes are now three inches funnier.