Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Early this week, The Year rose 1 point, or 0.05%, to 2007, which was in line with expectations. Some analysts remain bullish, though, predicting it will increase again sometime this spring. Said one Morgan Stanley banker: "The unstoppable march of time is the next Google."

Speaking of Google, a tech-head who failed in an online movie business sued Apple and Google over the same. "Oh yeah, and Levi's, I also invented pants."

Apple is also being sued for the monopolistic practices of iTunes and iPods. Hey, plaintiff, what's the big deal? You don't like iTunes, you can always listen to records, though they only play with iPhonographs.

In other tech/legal developments, South Korea is investigating Qualcomm's practices. In response, Qualcomm released its new handheld, wireless, giving-missiles-to-North-Korea technology.

Elsewhere, Home Depot's CEO Robert Nardelli was given the boot with an impressive $210 million severance package. Imagine what he'd be worth if he pitched left-handed. I must ask, why the outrage? It's not like they were using that money to pay for knowledgeable staff.

Nardelli's severance includes cash, stock, a pension, and $10 million just to keep him from laughing at you.

The AT&T- BellSouth merger was finally approved, so there'll soon be just one phone company again, Ma Bell, who, according to legend, has "got the ill communication." (Pop culture from my youth. I trust you can relate.)

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