Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.The Dow shot up when Ben Bernanke said economic moderation "now seems to be under way," yet did nothing when he added, "Yeeeee hawww!" After a rough week, Yahoo! may change it's name to either Yahoo?, Boohoo!, YaOops or Yahoo with a frowny face. In other tech news, AMD and Intel are waging a "Battle of the Microprocessors." AMD attacked with a tiny submarine shooting teensy lasers, but Intel countered with a wee little car that holds 100 midget clowns. IBM's stock fell when investors learned the acronym stood for "International Business Machines," not "I Beat Microsoft." Elsewhere, Verizon admitted it overcharged 11,000 customers because of a computer glitch. That's no big deal ... compared to when the computers launch a pre-emptive nuclear attack and we have to rely upon Keanu Reeves to save our species. Speaking of humanity, scientists have made breakthroughs in artificial intelligence, as evidenced by the millions who continue to buy the latest iPod accessories, Madden games, and popular music. You know, robots will never be better than us at some things: jazz, poetry, senseless destruction and random stupidity. We've got that covered, Mr. Coffee, thank you very little. In other corporate news, Disney announced plans to cut 650 jobs but provide laid-off workers free rides on "It's a small, cruel, heartless world after all." Procter & Gamble will close its Rochas fashion label due to too much corporate synergy: They made a bridal gown out of toothpaste. It was tartar control, if you know what I mean. Coca-Cola beat estimates, helped by overseas sales and the upsurge in stock broker parties. Wait, wrong coke¿ General Dynamics saw an 84% earnings increase, making it the only general that hasn't asked for Rumsfeld's resignation. Medtronic settled claims that its spinal implant division had given doctors kickbacks to induce them to use its products. Spinal implants, kickbacks, and inducement. The settlement was approved by a twitching, drooling and shivering judge. To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column,
In order to distance itself from legal problems, Hollinger changed not only its name, to Sun Times Media, but also its stock symbol, to SVN. The old symbol: IOU. Airbus introduced the new A350 XWB, which stand for "extra wide body." It can seat up to 375 passengers, or 135 Americans. American and Southwest Airlines actually posted quarterly profits! Let me tell you why: They canceled a lot of flights, mostly those of my groomsmen at my wedding, then made no alternative arrangements and kept tons of money. It's the Corleone Family Business Plan. Kudos, jerks. US Airways announced plans to put advertising on air-sickness bags. I expect collusion between the advertisers, in-airport McDonalds, and network television executives. You know, to create nausea. Speaking of McDonald's, publicity from the World Cup boosted its quarterly profit, because eating a Big Mac feels just like a head-butt to the chest. In other destined-to-be-regretted developments, big media companies are buying a bunch of humor websites. Because I don't like sale-related paperwork, I deliberately make JeffKreisler.com unappealing and sad. No millions for me, thanks. I'd rather spend all week reading about other people's cha-ching. Elsewhere in publishing, The New York Times will shrink because there's not much news fit to print. I mean, it doesn't take much space to say "We're all gonna die eventually, so spread love while you can, to friends, family, and needy comedians." Not to be outdone, The Wall Street Journal announced plans to sell ads on its front page. Newspapers are so desperate, they might even start raising the price of favorable coverage. In a related story, President Bush uttered a profanity on camera so that the FCC could fine each station a zillion dollars for rebroadcasting it. Balancing the budget and bankrupting the media in one move? Brilliant!
Speaking of the Feds, they finally got their man. Osama? Nope. David Carruthers, CEO of BetonSports. Phew, now our children are safe ¿ from sports betting. Which is only in every newspaper. Vegas lines? Purely for entertainment. Ironically, Carruthers himself won a bet that he'd be nabbed before NFL training camp. Finally, industrial production rose faster than expected last month, part of the Creator's master plan for economic growth. Global warming creates higher temps, which increase electricity use, which increases the exploitation of earth's resources and, thus, global warming, leading to more heat, air conditioning, profits for energy companies and, ultimately, jobs for butlers, bodyguards, and limo drivers. Duh.