Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.GM's new models had better-than-expected sales in February. You know what? For GM, any sales are better than expected. The fact that the vehicles didn't transform into robots and attack Detroit... that was better than expected. GM also laid off hundreds of managers, which gained widespread coverage because white-collar workers are the Natalee Holloway of layoffs. The beleaguered automaker capped the week by filling its annual report, entitled "General Motors and the Goblet of Fire." Meanwhile, Ford's technology chief left to join Citigroup. Actually, Ford gave him as a human sacrifice in lieu of cash, which should cover this month's interest on their credit card. A report showed that the number of Americans with household incomes over $1 million is at a record high. Los Angeles County has the most millionaires. The fewest? Kreisler County. Of course, the IRS still audits people earning that much about half as frequently as those earning under $25,000. Gotta squeeze that extra $200 outta the poor to pay for Halliburton's martini lunch. In a related story, a GAO report predicted over $80 billion in government receipts could be lost to energy-industry incentives over the next 25 years. In related news, I'm starting an oil company. Of course, if anyone mentions this report, they'll be labeled "defeatist softy wacko liberal tree-huggers." I don't like those labels. I prefer "unemployed realist." Speaking of unemployed Americans, JP Morgan will hire another 4,000 employees based in India, in what I like to call "Trickle Up Outsourcing." No one will ever be able to outsource bad humor. Trust me, I've tried. Not coincidentally, there's a huge debate in Washington right now over immigration, or what big companies alternatively call "insourcing," "blame-shifting" or "distracting with shiny objects." In other D.C. developments, the Transportation Department announced new fuel standards for SUVs and light trucks, adding "just kidding." Seriously, though, new SUVs must be able to protect insensitive drivers from rioting immigrants.
Of course, the new standards don't account for how we're so fat that the extra weight decreases mileage, but that's nothing a little sublimation through eating won't help us forget. Separately, the Supreme Court appeared reluctant to reduce the rights of patent holders, which is good, because I've got to protect my revolutionary napping mechanism that allows users to live below their potential. And it's all mine!!! Slackers of the world, unite!! Whenever you get around to it ... My old econ 101 professor, Ben Bernanke, said that oil prices "have the potential to add to inflation pressures" ... adding "Boo!" Consumer groups filed a complaint against the beer industry, claiming it didn't do enough to combat ads geared toward young people. Drum roll please ... It's the Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness! Gosh, you mean beer companies aren't run by Mother Teresa?!> Kudos to you, unnamed consumer groups, if that really is your name.
In other media-ego news, now that Katie Couric may anchor CBS News, The Four Horsemen are putting shoes on their steeds. The Beatles are suing Apple for using the Apple logo to sell music in violation of a 2001 settlement. I'd give the Beatles more chance against Apple if they were fruit flies. But just beetles? Nah. HarperCollins won a distribution contract from Tokyopop comic books because their squished-together name sounds like a superhero. HarperCollins & The Invincible Windsor Knot. In legal news, the Enron prosecution rested, giving the defense an opportunity to blame Bill Clinton. The judge recessed the jurors for what he jokingly called "spring break." Then he did a tequila shot and slept in a van. Lay and Skilling are having difficulty convincing witnesses to testify to their innocence, because such people are figments of their imagination. The defense is actually developing their own version of "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." They are currently test-marketing: "If you want a bribe in dollars, 'not guilty' you must hollah." In a side note, Ken Lay's attorney had an emergency heart procedure, shocking trial observers who didn't know he had a heart.