Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Ah, St. Patrick's Day and March Madness, two great dementia that dement great together.

Some results from the first round of March Financial Madness: #13 Ambien upset #4 Chevron; #3 Google needed OT to slip by #14 Krispy Kreme; #11 United Nations took care of #6 Viacom; #7 Alan Greenspan held off #10 P. Diddy; #8 JetBlue crushed # 9 McDonalds; and #12 AFL-CIO pulled the big shocker, taking down #5 Iowa.

Speaking of crazy, H&R Block has delayed a filing (and faces trouble from Clark Kent, a.k.a. Eliot Spitzer) because of income tax errors. Ohmigawd. H&R Block can't do taxes, GM can't sell cars, Mommy can't make it better. ... It's all a sham, a fraud. Everything. Nobody knows what they're doing! It's a scam! It's fake! Run for it! RUN FOR IT!!! Huh? What? Ambien? For me? Why yes, I do feel better, and hungry.

So Ambien makes people eat in their sleep? No big deal, take a diet pill, thus completing the circle of life.

Sony will delay release of it's latest Playstation game console, forcing millions of gamers to go to school, where they'll learn skills to get jobs to afford PlayStations for their kids, who'll skip school, thus completing the circle of postmodern life.

In a related story, Asian companies announced plans for new plants here, even as U.S. automakers are cutting domestic production. The nerve of these foreigners coming here and thinking they're better than us at something we invented. I mean, that'd be like Japan or South Korea beating us at baseball. That's so unrealistic.

Goldman Sachs had a $2.5 billion quarterly profit, Lehman Brothers' income is up $1.1 billion. ... The economy's doing great, if you're a CEO trading the souls of the undead with Lucifer and Beelzebub.

In M&A news this week, Capital One acquired North Fork. What's in your SEC filing? I love the Capital One commercials, they're so American. Attacked by Vikings? Use a credit card. Family crisis? Get more channels with DIRECTV. Crippling depression? Immerse yourself in the poetry that is Paris Hilton.

Anger in the publishing world, as the sale of Knight-Ridder was followed by the news that I can no longer make David Hasselhoff jokes. Damn you, McClatchy.

BellSouth shareholders are trying to stop the AT&T purchase, claiming the $67 billion price is too low. The effort is be led by the Monopoly game's Phineas T. Moneybags.

Elsewhere, Watson Pharmaceuticals will acquire a rival drug maker in a complex, multi-tiered transaction that's not so elementary, my dear Watson.

Settle This, Regulate That

In regulatory, legal and government developments, Bear Stearns settled claims with regulators that it had cheated investors and mauled three kids at a summer camp. Come on campers! Put your food and life savings in a bear bag. You know this.

A judge will force Google to provide the government with user data. I shouldn't have posted an ad for "Down With District Court Judge James Ware Comedy Tour." Free advice: if you're worried about privacy, just start every day by Googling "freedom," "liberty," "Canadian citizenship" and "I thought she was 18."

New Fed Chair Ben Bernanke said he was concerned about the federal budget deficit, but then the microchip implanted in his skull by Alan Greenspan kicked in and he commanded: "Keep spending, my pretties."

An Enron employee testified he lost his pension when Ken Lay told him to hold shares on the same day Lay himself was dumping the stock. On cross-examination, Lay's attorneys said the employee was given ample warning via Lay's pointy horns and red tail. Caveat emptor, sucka.

The Enron defense also said that although whistleblower Sherron Watkins warned the company about financial problems, execs ignored her because she didn't start with "Simon says."

The Dubai port company will sell East Coast operations to an unrelated American buyer. Gosh, I wonder ( Halliburton) who ( Carlyle Group) it might ( Kellogg, Brown & Root) be?

The FCC fined CBS $3.6 million because an episode of Without a Trace inappropriately suggested a teenage sexual orgy. Finally! After all, teen orgies are why we're stuck in Iraq and face crippling deficits and a looming crisis in our entitlement programs.

You know what, FCC (if that really is your name)? Everything on TV suggests a teenage orgy. The OC, 90210, the WB, Survivor, Guiding Light, MTV's My Teen Orgy. Have you seen who's on TV?

The Labor Department is investigating whether Northwest's bankruptcy filing the day before a $65 million pension payment had anything to do with the company shortchanging the pension for years. Gee, ya think? Looks like it's time to bring back the "Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness." U.S. Labor Department, you win! (And we lose).

Finally, a report indicates that electric companies are collecting taxes from customers but not sending that money on to the government. Golly gee willikers, I thought energy companies were our friends?

You know what, energy industry, just punch me in the face, okay? Can you do that, please? Don't butter me with flirting and flowers and compliments, only to mistreat me later. Just take my money, dignity and shame right now -- and go. Good. ( You'll call me, won't you?)
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback; click here to send him an email.

If you liked this article you might like

Funny Money: Central Banking While Intoxicated

Funny Money: Central Banking While Intoxicated

Funny Money: Dark Days

Funny Money: Dark Days

Funny Money: Foreign Aid

Funny Money: Foreign Aid

Funny Money: A Very Bad Year

Funny Money: A Very Bad Year

Funny Money: Autumn of Discontent

Funny Money: Autumn of Discontent