Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.Ah, St. Patrick's Day and March Madness, two great dementia that dement great together. Some results from the first round of March Financial Madness: #13 Ambien upset #4 Chevron; #3 Google needed OT to slip by #14 Krispy Kreme; #11 United Nations took care of #6 Viacom; #7 Alan Greenspan held off #10 P. Diddy; #8 JetBlue crushed # 9 McDonalds; and #12 AFL-CIO pulled the big shocker, taking down #5 Iowa. Speaking of crazy, H&R Block has delayed a filing (and faces trouble from Clark Kent, a.k.a. Eliot Spitzer) because of income tax errors. Ohmigawd. H&R Block can't do taxes, GM can't sell cars, Mommy can't make it better. ... It's all a sham, a fraud. Everything. Nobody knows what they're doing! It's a scam! It's fake! Run for it! RUN FOR IT!!! Huh? What? Ambien? For me? Why yes, I do feel better, and hungry. So Ambien makes people eat in their sleep? No big deal, take a diet pill, thus completing the circle of life. Sony will delay release of it's latest Playstation game console, forcing millions of gamers to go to school, where they'll learn skills to get jobs to afford PlayStations for their kids, who'll skip school, thus completing the circle of postmodern life. In a related story, Asian companies announced plans for new plants here, even as U.S. automakers are cutting domestic production. The nerve of these foreigners coming here and thinking they're better than us at something we invented. I mean, that'd be like Japan or South Korea beating us at baseball. That's so unrealistic. Goldman Sachs had a $2.5 billion quarterly profit, Lehman Brothers' income is up $1.1 billion. ... The economy's doing great, if you're a CEO trading the souls of the undead with Lucifer and Beelzebub. In M&A news this week, Capital One acquired North Fork. What's in your SEC filing? I love the Capital One commercials, they're so American. Attacked by Vikings? Use a credit card. Family crisis? Get more channels with DIRECTV. Crippling depression? Immerse yourself in the poetry that is Paris Hilton.
Anger in the publishing world, as the sale of Knight-Ridder was followed by the news that I can no longer make David Hasselhoff jokes. Damn you, McClatchy. BellSouth shareholders are trying to stop the AT&T purchase, claiming the $67 billion price is too low. The effort is be led by the Monopoly game's Phineas T. Moneybags. Elsewhere, Watson Pharmaceuticals will acquire a rival drug maker in a complex, multi-tiered transaction that's not so elementary, my dear Watson.
The FCC fined CBS $3.6 million because an episode of Without a Trace inappropriately suggested a teenage sexual orgy. Finally! After all, teen orgies are why we're stuck in Iraq and face crippling deficits and a looming crisis in our entitlement programs. You know what, FCC (if that really is your name)? Everything on TV suggests a teenage orgy. The OC, 90210, the WB, Survivor, Guiding Light, MTV's My Teen Orgy. Have you seen who's on TV? The Labor Department is investigating whether Northwest's bankruptcy filing the day before a $65 million pension payment had anything to do with the company shortchanging the pension for years. Gee, ya think? Looks like it's time to bring back the "Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness." U.S. Labor Department, you win! (And we lose). Finally, a report indicates that electric companies are collecting taxes from customers but not sending that money on to the government. Golly gee willikers, I thought energy companies were our friends? You know what, energy industry, just punch me in the face, okay? Can you do that, please? Don't butter me with flirting and flowers and compliments, only to mistreat me later. Just take my money, dignity and shame right now -- and go. Good. ( You'll call me, won't you?)