Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

JetBlue announced this week it will raise its prices. Et tu, JetBlutus?

I thought we had something special, JetBlue, but I guess not. I fell for you. Hard. With your low fares and in-seat entertainment, your tantalizing way of going to airports only near where I wanted to be. But now I see the truth, you're just in it for yourself. You're just another "airline." Go on, get outta here. And take your stupid blue potato chips with you. Oh, one last thing, you know when I said "I had a good flight"? I was faking it.

In other airline news, Northwest pilots authorized a strike against the airline. Come on, putting airlines out of business is so 2005. What are you gonna do next, download a song on Napster?

Elsewhere in obsolescence, GM and Ford are losing market share. The sun rose in the East and set in the West. Round and round we spin. Yawn. You know, the original dinosaurs went out quickly. Big meteor. Poof. Gone. Why are these hanging around?

In entertainment news, GE's NBC unit barely made good on its promise to deliver between 12 and 14 point ratings to Winter Olympics advertisers. The network got 12.2, although the Russian judge gave it a 9.6. (He claimed that artistic merit and technique were strong but the program lacked relevancy).

Yahoo! is pulling back from it's plan to develop original entertainment programming for the web, which totally scuttles my sitcom, Everybody Loves Broadband.

Meanwhile, CBS sued Howard Stern for fraud, breach of contract, and convincing the company to merge UPN and the WB. You know, if you hire someone who slaps baloney on strippers, you can't complain about questionable moral character. Caveat Emptor, mi amigo.

Stern's replacement, David Lee Roth, doesn't have great numbers but is doing well considering he's just a gigolo and is hot for teacher.

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here .

This Modern World

AOL and Yahoo! are going forward with plans to charge mass-emailers a fee. And the people who don't like this are??? But Jeff, it's freedom of speech. But Jeff, Thomas Jefferson didn't live in an octagonal house so that we could not find out about Viagra?

Yeah, it's in the Constitution, it's 11th in the Bill of Rights: The Spam Amendment. Vodafone announced that its assets were overvalued. Shocking. Internet phone service should be just as successful as TV-based radio, auto-based horse & buggy technology, or a dumb-based smart machine

Apple introduced a home stereo iPod because plugging an iPod into your existing equipment would take at least 15 seconds and not cost anything. Who has that kind of time?

I just can't wait for the Apple iSeaShell. Just hold it up to your ear for sounds of the ocean! Only $450.

The Enron defense this week asked jurors to stare longingly at a swinging pendulum and get very, very sleepy.

In response to documents showing internal dissent about the handling of safety issues at Guidant, the company asked: "Why do you hate freedom?" Warnaco, the maker of Calvin Klein jeans and Speedos, said fourth-quarter numbers fell because of sagging sales and rising costs. Sagging, rising, falling, Speedos... Brain short-circuiting... it's... it's... it's like a European beach on a windy day. There. That was safe.

Genentech and Biogen Idec won federal approval for an arthritis drug and immediately celebrated by investing in knuckle-cracking classes.

Fewer new homes were sold in January, which means my chance of buying a place in NYC has gone from hell freezing to pigs flying. Next stop, Cubs wins the World Series.

Andrew Young, the civil rights leader, agreed to be the public face of a group supporting Wal-Mart. Both Coretta Scott King and Rosa Parks did underground 360s.

The U.S. will conduct fewer audits of oil leases, which makes sense, because if any unchecked industry will serve only the public good, it's energy. Next to nuns, who'd you rather have watch your children than Big Oil?

The Supreme Court also gave a victory to a patent-holding company, making it easier to tie its products together, to which Microsoft replied, "Oh really..."

Elsewhere in Washington, the House voted on a bill to preempt state food regulations because who cares more about our safety, states that bear the cost of health problems, or congressmen beholden to the potato chip lobby?

Finally, the Bush administration has scaled back on enforcing safety regulations on the mining industry, because there's never been any safety issues, and, more accurately, hard-working miners don't attend fundraising dinners.

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here .
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback; click here to send him an email.