Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.David Edmondson, CEO of RadioShack, resigned this week because he lied about attending Bible college. The company first suspected him when he hung a painting of the Eight Commandments. Of all the things to lie about -- Bible college? If you're gonna lie, lie about something cool, like spy school. Or only eating at Subway to lose weight, when clearly it was surgery. I'm looking at you, Jared. David Cole, a senior VP at MSA, took a leave of absence to explore "what the world has to offer." I did that in the middle of law school, David. I'll save a spot for you -- right here, outside Starbucks, begging for change. In other executive developments, the chief marketing officer of American Eagle, resigned to "pursue new opportunities" -- like other places to exploit underage models. I don't know that there's exploitation, I'm just assuming, but he was last seen boarding a plane to Bangkok. On the corporate front, Microsoft rivals filed suit against the company this week in Europe. Eyebrows were raised when the Seattle-based company annexed Czechoslovakia and threatened to invade Poland. In a related joke, the German company, Henkel, has agreed to buy Right Guard from Procter & Gamble. This is an outrage!! How can we sell our Guard to an enemy!? How can we let control of our ports fall into their hands?! How can we... What? It's a different "guard," we haven't fought Germany for 50 years, and it's not ports, it's (arm) pits? Oh well, I wrote this joke based upon the best intelligence I had at the time, and I will not apologize. In another terrifying deal, Blackstone bought MeriStar's hotels. Blackstone and his nefarious henchmen, Wyndham and La Quinta, intend to take over the world's lodging! Only one man can stop them... A hero, armed with just his wits, wireless internet, and two (no, three) beautiful women. This summer, Jeff Kreisler stars in Hotels.com: Revenge of the $12 Peanuts!! To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column,
Meanwhile, European authorities seized the server used by the file-swapping company eDonkey. They pinned the tail on that company! Better watch out for kickbacks! Boy, they sure made an ass out of eDonkey! Hold me. PepsiCo is importing popular Mexican products like Mananita, an apple-flavored soda. Yiiick. Here's hoping for another Mexican treat, Pinata Bosses. You beat them with a stick until they release candy and sick days. Ralph Lauren prevented the use of a polo player logo by an actual English polo club. That's like Nike not letting Halley's comet go "swoosh" or Donald Trump hoarding all bad wigs and trophy wives. Unfair! Rest easy travelers. Even though the Russian airline Aeroflot will buy a new fleet of planes, its official drink will remain Stolichnaya.
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