Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Analysts don't expect much from this week's column.

Speaking of expectations, Yahoo!, eBay, Apple and J.P. Morgan each had huge profit increases, but they were all below Wall Street expectations.

I love pessimism, but can't we enjoy good news without harping on "expectations." It's just analysts making work for themselves. It's worthless ... unlike snarky comedic commentary, which cures cancer.

In other earnings news, American Airlines reported a loss of $604 million last quarter, but that was only $3.49 a share. So, when you look at it like that, it's really only the price of a venti latte. It's all perspective, people.

Runway 7-2-9er, we've got Continental Airlines coming in hard with a fourth-quarter loss. We're gonna need Chapter 11 on the tarmac. Be sure to steal from employee luggage and provide millions in bonuses to the execs. Over.

In other news, Google and the government have been arguing over pornography records. All together now: It was research for a book.

Google also announced it is moving into radio advertising since diversification prevents boredom. Hey, it worked for Hugh Hefner.

Warren Buffett -- whose successes include Berkshire Hathaway, "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville" -- bought Business Wire, the second-biggest distributor of press releases. Or as the Berkshire press release said, "Benevolent Leader Extends Virtuous Empire."

That joke was funnier than expected, so this next joke should be worth more.

There's heavy bidding for Burlington Coat Factory. Well sure, it's been a cold winter. Come July, expect similar interest in Manchester Bikini Warehouse.

Whoa, that didn't live up to expectations.

Meanwhile, Linens 'n Things is seeking $600 million to fund a buyout. They'll start by looking under the seat cushions.

Elsewhere in M&A, Boston Scientific upped its bid for Guidant with help from Abbott Labs. Expect Johnson & Johnson to counter, with help from Costello Inc. Who's on first? Guidant's on second. This deal is as annoyingly omnipresent as Paris Hilton, is on third.

Speaking of which, Hilton Hotels will open a chain using the name Waldorf Astoria. Motel 6 will open Stadler Inns, and the two will heckle bad Muppet sketches from the skybox. A chain of Waldorf Astorias would have made my college scavenger hunt much easier. We had to get the hat of the Waldorf bellman. We did it. Because we rock.

To watch Jeff's video version of this column, click here.

This column has had fewer-than-expected references to the auto industry.

Alternative Energy

The nefarious Carlyle Group is among the investors bidding on VNU, the parent of Nielsen. Carlyle recently bid for Dunkin Donuts. Donuts, market research, strategic oil and military operations. ... Oh my gawd, the alternate source of energy is American body fat. Feel the burn ... heat your home.

Countering Carlyle's plan, two new diet drugs are being developed to block fat absorption and control appetite. A third -- combining self control, exercise and education -- was laughed out of the AMA board room as "unprofitable."

We are the land of fake breasts and diet pills, where medical science makes our chests bigger and guts smaller. Couldn't we just hang upside down to do that?

In a related story, parents in Massachusetts filed a $2 billion lawsuit against Nickelodeon for encouraging child obesity. Dear Spongebob, Stop making children fat and gay. Sincerely, Ronald McDonald.

Meanwhile, Yahoo! Personals will give away $10 Starbucks' cards to people who meet online because they can't get off their snack-food eating, carpal-tunnel making behinds to meet someone at Starbucks in person.

In other corporate news this week, Citigroup is requiring many employees to provide a 50-day notice before leaving. Employees must also address the CEO as 'Massa!

IBM posted a 13% profit increase after it finally beat that sneaky Russian guy in chess.

E*Trade Financial announced that it will reimburse customers for online fraud. Just kidding.

The COO of AIG, the world's largest insurer, stepped down. The company can't afford to replace him because they have a five-executive deductible.

The Labor Department announced the end of the controversial deal giving Wal-Mart advance notice of inspections. Said an official, "Now (wink) everything (wink wink) will be on the (wink) up and up (wink wink wink, here's my Swiss bank account number)."

Finally, it was reported this week that Alan Greenspan will soon join the speakers' circuit, where he'll throw lightning bolts at mortals from his unicorn-powered chariot.

Hey, that was better than expected.

To watch Jeff's video version of this column, click here.

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback; click here to send him an email.

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