Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Sun Microsystems ( SUNW) and Google ( GOOG) announced a partnership this week. The sun -- the actual sun -- promises not to expand and engulf the earth in a ball of fire, and Google agrees to the same.

Apple ( AAPL) hinted that it may launch a new iPod with video-playing abilities. It will plug directly into your ears, eyes and wallet.

Lexmark ( LXK), producer of desktop printers, announced lower earnings because of slow reaction to price cuts. They would have reacted more quickly, but there was a paper jam, they ran out of toner, some labels got misprinted...

Meanwhile, Microsoft ( MSFT) is introducing security programs for Windows computer. Microsoft products being policed by Microsoft products? I thought that type of protection racket went out of style with Zoot Suits and Al Capone.

In other high-tech developments this week, Philadelphia announced plans to become the nation's first wireless city. Oddly enough, telecom companies, which would otherwise make millions, are opposed to the idea. Said a Comcast ( CMCSA) spokesman, "We continue to believe that it is inappropriate to use public money to ... indirectly subsidize select providers." The oil, gas, lumber, auto and Iraqi reconstruction industries all suppressed a laugh.

The news that Spain's Telefonica ( TEF) had "made overtures" to KPN of the Netherlands in recent weeks made me wonder how phone companies "make overtures." Do they call corporate offices, but hang up? Pass notes in deregulation class? If they're not interested, do they give out fake numbers? How do they handle rejection? "We have a bad connection. I didn't say I wanted a joint venture, I said I 'm doing needlepoint and have dentures."

Elsewhere in wheeling and dealing, Donald Trump announced plans to build hotels and condos in the United Arab Emirates. Hmm, Trump in the UAE ... does the Middle East really need another reason to hate us?

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