Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The nation breathed a sigh of relief this week when, for the first time in 29 years, no major airlines declared bankruptcy.

Instead, US Air merged with America West Airlines to create a new US Airways that plans to mix low-cost efficiency with worldwide reach. The over/under on its next bankruptcy filing: two weeks.

Google announced plans to build a corporate campus on a vacant NASA site in California. Now they're getting into space exploration? In response, Microsoft launched Sputnik.

In other Mr. Softee developments, Microsoft and Palm introduced the Treo 700W, which will use new technology to make it impossible for worker bees to ever escape the hive. Err, sorry, I mean, "keep people connected to the office."

Elsewhere, power company Calpine sued two banks for wrongfully withholding money. If Calpine thinks financial firms are withholding money, wait until Americans see our winter heating bills. I'd rather owe the power company than sell my baby for cash.

Meanwhile, Wal-Mart was hit especially hard by the falling consumer confidence index, as fuel costs cut into disposable income. Also, it's possible that, having witnessed death and destruction on TV, people are realizing there's more to life than spending eight hours wandering through a superstore. Just kidding!

On a related note, Walgreen said Katrina curbed its profit, too. I haven't seen a woman's name linked to this much havoc since Courtney Love entered rehab.

And speaking of mass (over) consumption, the number of Americans with past due accounts rose in the second quarter. I wonder if that has anything to do with things like the Capital One commercials where couples defeat murderous hordes by using a credit card. How American. You're about to be killed? Spend your way out! Bankrupt? Get an iPod! Crippling depression? Use your video-enabled cell phone to watch snippets of Pamela Anderson's TV show "Stacked"! Really, try it. We'll all feel better.

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