1. Shaving for a Rainy DayWe at the Five Dumbest Things Research Lab don't often get depressed by new product introductions. We know that companies must innovate or die. But as far as Energizer Holdings ( ENR) is concerned, we wish there were a happy medium. What's bringing this on is this week's report, based on comments made during a Gillette ( G) conference call, that rival Energizer's Schick-Wilkinson Sword unit is about to introduce a four-bladed razor -- a move that may prompt Gillette to debut its own four-bladed model. Uh-oh. We're having a weird flashback to the U.S.-Soviet arms race. It all started innocently enough -- first we got the bomb, then they got the bomb. Then we got another bomb, and so on. Pretty soon we had a few thousand nuclear missiles pointed at one another. So we see where this is going. In a few years, your razor will have so many blades, it will set off alarms at the airport X-ray machine. Jackie Chan will use it as a weapon in Rush Hour 9. Stop the insanity! Then we calmed down a little, especially after we saw The Wall Street Journal's report that Schick's new razor will be named the Quattro (that's Italian for "four"). Quattro, Quattro ... for some reason that rang a bell. Then it occurred to us. Former Credit Suisse First Boston banker Frank Quattrone. The perfect celebrity pitchman for the Quattro razor. A commercial marriage made in heaven. Everybody wins here. First of all, Quattrone can make big bucks shaving off his moustache for a Quattro commercial. If he needs to shore up his defense fund, that's got to be a more dignified approach than pulling a Lewinsky and hosting a reality show.
Plus, shaving can only help Quattrone if and when he goes to trial. His moustache -- a vintage 1970s porn-star model -- would likely lose him points with the jury. For Schick, any commercial must be better than the bizarre ads Gillette aired when it launched the three-blade Mach 3. Remember those? Try this razor and you'll fly through the air naked?