Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland. I miss the overwhelming art, delicious haggis (really, I love it) and
, but at least I can afford a coffee again. Thank you, weak dollar.
On to a week's business news...
As the subprime mortgage crisis continues, the Australian hedge fund
filed for bankruptcy. Of course, to emerge Chapter 11, the firm will have to spin everything in the opposite direction.
In Washington, there's an ongoing debate about whether to help homeowners facing default. On the one hand, politicians generally hate people. On the other hand, people vote.
Speaking of people, Americans without health insurance hit an all-time high.
Oh, I get it
. This subprime mortgage crisis is just a brilliant way to make the uninsured seem insignificant compared to the defaulted. What's worse, untreated cancer or eviction from a home you couldn't afford? Exactly.
Foreign regulators want greater oversight of the American economy, noting the export of troublesome financial instruments, like subprime backed funds. Hey, world, at least
tainted goods don't kill "Dora The Explora." They just make it so she can't afford to go anywhere.
For the first time, the percentage of Americans in cell phone-only homes surpassed those in landline-only domiciles. Or, as the satellite and big tower conglomerate declared, "Begin Phase III: The Reckoning."
lowered the price of its wholesale supply unit by $1.8 billion, but don't worry, shareholders, they'll make it up in a massive vendor chargeback scheme. "Yeah, I'd like to return the GDP of Mississippi, please. It just didn't fit in my kitchen. Thanks."
Macao is passing Las Vegas as the center of gambling! Without that, America will only have obesity, debt, and failing public education.
Bernanke, get to the OTB and bail us out!
The Vatican introduced a low-cost airline for Roman Catholic pilgrims. For non-believers planning to sneak on: The pilot drops the plane 5,000 feet midflight, just to get those prayer juices flowing.
I've got to question the new trend of in-flight advertisements. My tray table wanted me to watch The History Channel's
Great Plane Crashes of the 20th Century.
United States Steel
will buy Canada's
. This is why we must tighten our immigration policy! We can't have sham marriages allowing big corporations to do the work regular Americans won't do!
Nasdaq Stock Market
was arrested for allegedly soliciting an undercover Euronext in the bathroom of the Minneapolis Airport. The Nasdaq denied the accusation, saying, "I am not into market-on-market activity."
bought a group of international cable channels, announcing from its New York City office that, "If we can't make it here, we can't make it anywhere."
said interruptions to its Sidekick service were okay because only spoiled rotten children use it.
William Lerach, caught up in the securities class-action kickback inquiry, has resigned in order to spend more time with his family and
An appeals court ruled that
exec Thomas Coughlin's home detention for fraud is too lenient. This shouldn't be a surprise. Wal-Mart advertises "Every Day Low Sentences."
Europe is way ahead of the U.S. and China in developing Internet TV.
Unleash "Operation Downloadable HDTV." Watch out Finland, you're next.
A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Mikhail Gustseriev, a former Russian oil exec who criticized the Kremlin. Everyone who's surprised by
, please turn in your hammer & sickle at the closest gulag.
The Wall Street Journal
renamed its weekend leisure section, "Pursuits." Great, already Rupert Murdoch is affecting coverage of... wait, "Pursuits"? Sorry, I thought you said "Busty Babes from the Political Right."
bookstore reported widened quarterly losses. Another victim of our lax immigration policy and porous, um, well, borders. Mmmmm, puns.
Stocks rallied at the end of the week as investors sought bargains. You know what's at an all-time low? Jeff Kreisler. Still.
Aurora Organic Dairy agreed to change the way it labels its products and enlist an outside firm to handle all future manipulation of a public scared by over-reported food safety issues. Kudos.
After the Michael Vick and Pacman Jones scandals, the NFL started an advertising campaign to highlight the good behavior of their players. It's true: Most football players only smash one another's body in aggressive homoerotic competition three hours a week. Most.
posted a loss in its last quarter under
. New CEO Robert Nardelli immediately promised to turn those lost millions into golden parachutes.
Finally, Arthur Jones, the inventor of the Nautilus fitness machine, died. He's credited with providing millions of Americans with novelty clothes hangers.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.