Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The following is an excerpt from my new book: "If I did write jokes the morning after eating too much Thanksgiving dinner, this is how I'd do it."
Yes, the OJ Simpson TV special and book were pulled because it was in poor taste. Yet somehow Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson keep getting air time.
On the trading floor, turkey futures spiked on Wednesday, plummeted at Friday's opening, then made everyone very sleepy.
This year, I'm thankful for Sumner Redstone and Rupert Murdoch. Crazy, old, rich white men. Can't wait until I'm one.
Look for my next book: "If you give me $500,000, here's how I'll spend it."
The White House lowered economic forecasts for the next couple years. The Democrats have only been in power a couple weeks and they've already ruined the economy and gotten us into an un-winnable war in Iraq!
In a related story, the Pentagon awarded $500 million to
to design a new supercomputer. Hopefully it won't be obsolete for at least six months.
Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said that new federal rules have improved transparency and restored investor confidence, but we just can't have that, can we? I mean, now that the Enron folks have been sentenced, I guess it's time to eliminate all corporate and accounting regulation, right? It's not like anyone would ever cheat again, right?
Speaking of which, a former
CFO was fined for insider trading, fraud and having pirates attack everyone who used rival credit cards.
Conrad Black's attorney's asked a judge to separate charges that he lived a posh lifestyle from other charges, i.e. that he lived Sporty, Ginger, Baby, and the other Spice Girl lifestyles.
In M&A news, the Blackstone Group purchased
Equity Office Properties
, the largest commercial real estate trust, for $36 billion. Does it concern anyone else that a company with a sinister name is buying up everything? Maybe I read too many comic books... and history texts.
Freeport-McMoRan Copper and Gold
in a major mining merger. ("Major Mining Merger" was actually the name of my high school band). While consolidation in the industry has been controversial, I believe the plan is simple: Drill one big hole.
The deal, like so many these days, was financed with an exorbitantly high amount of debt. McMoRan put up its extra capital letters as collateral.
London Stock Exchange
rejected another bid from
, telling the upstart exchange: "I like my markets shaken, not stirred. My answer is No, double-O, Noo."
was approached about a possible takeover by the conservative group "Citizens for U after Q."
formed a content, advertising and technology partnership with 176 daily papers. In essence, Yahoo will use its content, advertising and technology to eliminate the papers.
will enter a joint venture with Wilbur Ross. Wilbur was a pig... and Lear makes jets... Pigs... Flying...
Oh my gosh!
Get ready to do all those things you never thought you'd get to. Our time is at hand!!
is focusing on building smaller cars for emerging markets. Said an imaginary spokesman: "It's not so much that foreign countries demand small vehicles, as it is that, unlike in America, the population there doesn't yet know that we suck."
changed the way it elects board members, but did so by calling up current members during dinner and changing them without approval.
, of Barbie fame, claims it owns the rights to the Bratz dolls. In similar news, GI Joe claims to own the Transformers, Brittney claims to own Christina, and The Blackstone Group actually does own everything.
said it would restate its financials because, apparently, not everyone is fat yet.
The CEO of
will retire in 2007 to become Joe Torre's bench coach.
expanded its $4 drug program to all its pharmacies. The company then got a mohair jacket, platform shoes, a funky hat and told
: "This is Target territory, homie. You better find someplace else to push your drugs."
profits beat expectations then burst into flames. Like their laptops. (Remember? Like a month ago?)
topped $500 this week, providing an opportunity for countless "analysts" to offer their "opinions" about the future. I predict that Google will either go up or down or stay the same but that analysts will continue to love the sound of their own voice.
Hey, you hear that sound? It's the Internet bubble being inflated. Again. I'm thankful for short memories.
India and China explored economic cooperation during a state visit, and the USA said "Uh oh..."
Advanced Medical Optics
has recalled 2.9 million bottles of contact lens solution. Who do they think they are,
Bausch & Lomb
Even as the controversy with the NFL Network raged,
announced a deal with the
Walt Disney Company
. Huh. Guess they'll have broadcasts of mice but not men.
The invisible hand of the market met the bony finger of death last week when Milton Friedman passed away. He was 94, though he was valued at 107.
Finally, a California court ruled that Internet publishers can't be liable for reposting defamatory comments. So go ahead and reprint this: "My brother is a big doody-head." Happy Thanksgiving.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.