Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Don Imus: Done. Fired from MSNBC and
Hey editor, can I get fired for saying Paulson, Bernanke, and Greenspan are "a bunch of bald-headed white men with disproportionate control of the economy"? Guess it's not so bad if it's true.
Elsewhere in the "truth hurts" department, realtors -- always a source of unbiased housing information -- predict a slight drop in home prices this year. It's just a little dip before we plunge off the edge and through the loop de loop at Six Flags Over Money.
Still, New York City's real estate market hasn't yet taken a hit. In fact, there's a guy in my neighborhood selling single-family homes from a van.
New Century Financial
has asked a judge to prioritize the bankruptcy sale of it's assets, adding, "You know, there's another bidder interested in the place, but I can let you have it for less, if you give me cash right now... Oh crud, it's the cops!"
American Home Mortgage
said it will have lower earnings because of the falling value of Alternative A, or Alt-A, loans. Alt-A, of course, is the keystroke you use to erase mistyped dreams.
The Defense Department has acted by proposing rules to curb predatory lending practices to military personnel.
. If it's not good for them, it's not good for any of us. Hey, I'm glad they're finally watching out for our veterans -- thanks Walter Reed! -- but is outlawing lender activities really easier than, I don't know, education?
Speaking of education, there's this whole "bribe financial aid advisors to steer college kids to our loans" thing going on, too. No big deal. Universities are just providing students real life experience. Hey, I wish my school offered "Being Misled and Commodified for the Financial Gain of Others 101." I'd have taken it Pass/Fail.
In labor news this week,
will eliminate 17,000 jobs, thus officially switching from that giant red umbrella to one those five dollar pocket-sized thingies that always break in the slightest wind. I'm sure it'll work out for everyone.
announced plans to cut back hiring. The maker of computer chips will now only employ tiny people who can actually fit
their microprocessors. This prompted a protest from the tiny people who said the proper term is "little workers" or "engineers."
agreed to allow unions in 750 outlets in China. Mickey D's China: Over 1 billion served, about 1 billion servers, but just 1 voice.
Meanwhile, China expressed "regret" over the Bush Administration's complaints. Then Chinese leaders returned to their underground lair to breed a race of superhuman trade negotiators.
Investigators believe some of the food that recently killed American pets was tainted by a wheat gluten plant in China. Um, China... Our cats and dogs don't set trade policy. Just a note. Leave 'em alone.
diabetes drug Exubera isn't selling, so it's considered an expensive failure for the company. For the people with the disease? Just a failure, no price tag.
Advertising for Pfizer's Celebrex has been criticized for falsely representing its safety risks. You know, maybe there's a common thread here. Maybe we should start an ad campaign to deal with loans and drugs...
Hey kids! No matter how good "It" seems, if it costs more than $100,000 or you put "It" in your body, read the label first!
The CFO of
, maker of Grand Theft Auto, resigned just two weeks after the CEO was ousted. It's a mess over there. It's like someone pulled up in a stolen Cadillac and blasted the place with a shotgun, mugged the entry-level employees, then violently filed a bogus proxy statement.
Two of Canada's largest pensions are in talks to combine and takeover
, which would be the biggest buyout in history. Well, it's Canada, so make it 60% of history, and history is what, 100 years old? So it's the largest buyout in 60 years.
may buy the baby food producer Gerber from
because it hasn't yet figured out how to get kids addicted to sugar while they're still in the womb. Soon... soon...
A French retailer made a $7 billion bid for Puma, reminding all those who lived through the '80s, that, yes, Puma's still around.
An arbitrator ruled
The Advocate of Stanford
violated a union contract ... then everyone had a good laugh and feasted on the soul of the working man.
CEO Joseph Nacchio's lawyer noted that Nacchio didn't sell
his stock via inside information. "If he had a corrupt heart and was intent on cheating people... he could have sold everything." So, aspiring cheaters, just keep a little on the side ... for flaky legal argument's sake.
Former hedge fund manager Martin Armstrong was sentenced to five years in jail for running a $3 billion Ponzi Scheme, which, given today's exchange rate, converts to about a $1.7 billion Ralph Malph Scenario or a $32 Chachi Situation.
Royal Dutch Shell
agreed to pay a $450 million settlement for overstating oil reserves. The company says it was a mistake to include the potential of energy drawn from "wishes."
Finally, sad news. Kilgore Trout has left the building. So it goes.
P.S.: Welcome new readers from the print weekly Alternative 101 and New Yorkers, come see me perform at Comix on Monday May 7.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.