Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Tom Cruise and Paramount parted ways this week. And yet, somehow, life goes on. Frankly, I've found his behavior odd ever since he ran a prostitution ring with Rebecca De Mornay. But I guess it took awhile for the morality police in Hollywood to catch up.
In other comings and goings,
fired Maureen Govern, the executive responsible for the recent release of personal data. Ms. Govern will continue to live under the name Frank Smith, or Roberta Johnson or whatever comes up on her shiny, new "Wheel of Identity."
announced the unexpected resignation of President Michael Roberts. In a totally unrelated development, police say the mysterious Hamburglar had disappeared, just as they were about to discover his identity.
executive David Calhoun will move to VNU because, as Milton Friedman said, "More initials, more power!!"
mail clerk was arrested for stealing more than $4 million in checks inside his socks.
Mail clerks don't steal checks. They tell 5,000 buddies that they stole checks, then borrow a $1,000 advance from each "until things cool down," then they "drop a dime" on 'em and split town. Boo ya!
Carl Icahn reached an agreement with
: The company will clone seven more Carl Icahns to unleash on the businesss world.
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At last, Frank Quattrone revealed his novel legal strategy this week: Play golf, wait it out, receive $100 million in deferred compensation. Nice work if you can get it.
The charges against him will be dropped if he doesn't break the law for a whole year. With that in mind, Quattrone says he'll wait at least 366 days before killing anyone for drug money. (Again.)
Look, it's the last weekend in August. If you're on a business Web site right now, you
In corporate news,
is expanding! Okay, the company's just expanding the buyout offer to all its North American factory workers, but the auto industry needs all the positive spin it can get.
Hey! No one at GM has committed mass murder this week (as far as we know).
Meanwhile, GM and Ford are both recruiting
chief Carlos Ghosn, who is so popular in Japan that there's a comic book about him. That's great, because U.S. automakers are currently battling The Pension-ator and Professor Evil Business Model.
In separate but related news, GM announced that the Camaro will be manufactured in Canada, making our cheap drug-providing neighbor to the north the one-stop shop for all your mid-life crisis needs.
Speaking of life in crises, Paris Hilton struck a deal to promote her new album on YouTube. Thus, another good thing comes to an end.
plans to acquire Grouper, another video-sharing Web site.
Can we do something just for fun and community without it being taken over by commercial interests? I guess not. All we've got left is kickball ... though I'm pretty sure ESPN will soon market the Mountain Dew World Series of Kickball.
plans to cut its workforce and expenses before its IPO. "Hey, investors, I lost a bunch of weight before my wedding, but guess what? I'm still just a fat guy who likes Doritos." Same with NYMEX.
abandoned its iPod competitor, the DJ Ditty, prompting Steve Jobs to cackle madly and whip his forked red tail into a sulfurous pile of
laptops shooting flames from their overheated Sony batteries.
So the problem with
in India is that the drinks
contain pesticide. Silly India, don't you realize that pesticide is... Wait.
And this isn't an issue here? Why's that, again? Oh right, we're worried about racism on the new season of
. My bad.
moved to restructure the Warnaco Group. That company is ripe for takeover, according to the
New York Post
, because of "irregularities in its Chaps division." Ripe irregularities found in chaps? Never a good thing.
announced a new painkiller that is no more dangerous than Vioxx. "No more dangerous?" Is that really the standard we should apply? What about "Zero Death" or "No killy kill?" Let's start there.
Fox TV introduced super-quick "blink" ads to be broadcast on
. Tiny ads on radio to get people to watch TV where less-tiny ads will get them to buy cars with radios broadcasting ads for TV and cars and radio and TV and cars and radio, and suddenly tears burn a path through my tub of Cookies n' Cream.
In a similarly terrifying vision of the not-too-distant future, A federal appeals court (D.C. circuit) ruled that the government can't collect taxes on awards for nonphysical damages like emotional distress and injured reputation.
Here's the next business model: Make money, have two VPs sue each other, in closed arbitration award emotional distress damages equal to the amount you've made, tell the government to suck it, and move to Canada! Bingo!
More government inaction: California agreed to raise the minimum wage to $8 an hour within two years, reminding Washington politicians why they're daring North Korean to shoot missiles as far as they can.
Meanwhile, an unapproved strain of genetically engineered rice was found. More chaos! I'm telling you, Jeff Goldblum was right (in
): Life finds a way.
Though I do have a question for you, Life: Random genetically engineered ... rice?
What about robots, flying sex slaves, or on-command nap takers? You're so not like Jerry Bruckheimer promised.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.