Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Everyone doing OK? The
fell 4.2% this week, so some of you may have to fire the second butler for your third home. I can relate. I've been inside a home.
Much of the angst this week could be laid at the feet of
. The nation's largest mortgage lender said even borrowers with good credit were falling behind on payments and the housing slump will last until 2009.
, I thought the housing market always made money? That's what the loud guy with the bow tie told me.
As the market tumbled, the Bancroft family continued its debate over selling
to Rupert Murdoch's
Most families have similar debates. "Hey, Ma, should we pay for our mortgage or health care?"
The talks were called "not acrimonious," which isn't hard when the issue is "
obscenely rich and powerful should we be?"
If Rupert Murdoch gets
, and Samuel Zell has the
, it'll be Zell vs. Murdoch. Yosemite Sam vs. The Tasmanian Devil. Finally, we'll have an answer.
Don't blame the market rout on
, whose profit soared thanks to the iPod. Next up for Steve Jobs: The iTurn Water Into Wine.
reported slower-than-expected activation of new iPhones, in part because no one bought them to use them. They bought them to
put 'em in a blender.
So the iPhone isn't perfect, Harry Potter's ending, Drew Carey's on
The Price is Right
... What are dorks to do? To whom can they turn?
Look, over there!
It's Larry Ellison suing someone over the America's Cup Yacht Race.
Phew. Innocence restored.
Yes, Drew Carey was chosen to host
The Price is Right.
Nice! That means there's no chance I'll ever have to watch him on TV again. Unless I get the flu and have to watch daytime TV...
Vitamins! I need vitamins!
In other "get me echinacea" news, a new study shows tax breaks given to drug companies have failed to create the promised jobs, to which the Bush Administration replied: "Al-Qaeda in Iraq shares Osama bin Laden's goal of making Iraq a base for its radical Islamic empire and using it as a safe haven for attacks on America."
In a related story,
had strong earnings in the second quarter, or, as it reported to the IRS,
earnings in the second quarter.
Meanwhile, the FDA asked
for additional information about its menopause drug, but Wyeth suddenly got moody and angry, and said, "Fine. Just forget it."
In other corporate news,
might allow customers to choose individual programming, which would probably mean the end of unpopular channels, which, in turn, means the end of most satellite stations.
for about $1.6 billion, providing a big payday for Opsware's founder Marc Andreesen. To the woman I know who once dated him: Andreesen can now
the emotional capacity you said he lacked. I applaud your courage, but, damn, that would've been a sweet bachelor party.
announced plans to offer employees savings accounts to pay for education and training. What kind of commie operation thinks about that far into the future? Don't you know in five years we'll all be under water? Freedom hater.
increased its bid for
after securing more cash from the China Development Bank. Of course, the new cash was farmed from polluted waters...
Meanwhile, the FBI seized $500 million worth of counterfeit Chinese software, none of which was allowed to play for the Milwaukee Bucks.
An unrelated article in
discussed the rigorous testing of Chinese-made items like Chicken Dance Elmo. OK, I surrender. The mere fact that a Chicken Dance Elmo exists is a sure sign that the world is ending.
Speaking of Armageddon,
Procter & Gamble
is hoping to sell a water purifying powder to capitalize on their fear-mongering media friends. "Tonight on Eye Witness News: Water! Is your family safe? Or are they drinking H-2-
recall of Easy-Bake Ovens cut its profit. Hey Hasbro, just resell them to college kids as a totally different product.
They'll never know...
agreed to a $1.3 billion buyout, putting control of the puffy popcorn-like clouds into private hands.
introduced a low-calorie Gatorade for less-active athletes, like those who break a sweat eating Dorito's at 2 a.m. Hey, I'm not judging... It used to be me.
Airlines had a profitable quarter, their last before the uprising of people like me who don't like sitting on runways for four hours for no reason.
Revolution at the beverage carts!!
Speaking of revolutionary,
will test a plug-in hybrid like
. Wait, instead of using the courts or lawmakers to prevent progress, an auto company is actually trying to adapt? I don't get it.
considered a proposal to allow competing director candidates on ballots. You mean, there aren't any? What kind of shady operations are these corporate elections. What kind of banana republic runs, well, Banana Republic. Better send in the Old Navy. Mind the Gap.
The Small Business Administration incorrectly canceled thousands of homeowner loans along the Gulf Coast because it was trying to finish the job Katrina started. Oh well, they can still refinance with these nifty subprime loans.
reported higher-than-expected profits -- and we wonder why we can't get out of Iraq.
Finally, the maker of an antiwrinkle injection began an aggressive ad campaign because with the war in Iraq, the housing crisis, and a looming national election, who has time to look concerned?
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.