Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
I can't wait for Ben Bernanke to cut interest rates on Tuesday.
It'll change everything.
Not only will it bail out investors and eliminate risk for future dumb decisions, but a half-point cut would save the average poor homeowner about $1,000 per/month on their $4 million mortgage. And $1,000 a month is a lot to a poor person. They can put that money into their diversified portfolios or add equity to their vacation homes. Subprime mortgage crisis, solved.
In related news, Senator Chuck Schumer proposed giving more discretion and power to
because it's been at least nine months since either of them had a major accounting scandal.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson warned against legislation critical of China, saying, "From where will we get our cheap poisoned toys?"
Meanwhile,, President Bush suggested changing the system for inspecting imported goods. He's not closing the barn door after the horse has gone out, because this horse is coming in, and it's actually a gift from the people of Troy.
began independently testing their toys this week. Turns out, they're not only lead-free, but, when combined with movies and amusement parks, they're able to generate an endless spiral of consumer bliss.
A guilty plea by former adviser David Makov is said boost to the government's case against
questionable tax shelters known as "Blips." Of course, the plea is just a tiny bit of what's out there, an insignificant taste, the tip of the iceberg, a, um, well, sigh, a blip.
In other corporate news,
is working on a device to increase chip data storage 10 to 100 times. Why? Five words: Hi-def porn,
American Electric Power
will use batteries to store wind power. As opposed to before, when I guess they just saw how far the wind could push their stuff before it settled down? "Yup, wind sure does power them windmills pretty good."
, maker of the
Grand Theft Auto
games, had a smaller-than-expected quarterly loss because -- by hitting the X and A buttons while toggling the joystick -- the company found a hidden cache of amortized expenses and dead hookers behind a dumpster.
iPhone passed 1 million this week. Incidentally, "1 million" will now be known as "iMillion."
A revolutionary show,
, is set to premiere on MySpace. Wow, what a risk, showing something on the Web site of the biggest media company in the world. Next thing you know, these rogues won't have their
checks mailed to them, they'll go direct deposit! It's crazy!
grounded several planes after two had landing-gear failure. Frankly, I would've just spun this to say they were offering passengers a genuine "Bombardier" experience, in the World War II sense of the word.
is leading a revival of diesel-powered cars, because with construction, babies, and noisy neighbors, my street just isn't loud enough.
has accused a Chinese car company of design-theft in the new car, the CEO, without mentioning how awesome it is that China named the blatant flaunting of rules for profit the "CEO."
signed an advertising deal with the British networking site Bebo, even though they could've had the same effect by just queuing up for fish and chips.
I've been to the U.K.!!! Love me.
Speaking of which, the Bank of England criticized other banks for bailing out investors during the credit crisis, saying they'd really like to replay the scene in
where everyone rushes the bank. Either that, or the scene where they all float to the ceiling with laughter. That was funny.
In other cartel developments, OPEC ministers are divided about how to deal with a slowing global economy. Some think the record price of oil means they should build soaring skyscrapers, while others want to have a TV show where they fire people.
OK, not true.
Some ministers want to keep making billions using monopoly power and fear, while others want to just use monopoly power.
The OPEC ministers did decide to slightly raise output. Then they ate dinosaur eggs cooked in the gold from Caesar's grave.
Oil hit $80 per barrel. So let's invade Iran already. Invading Iraq lowered the price of oil so much...
ran an article about social networking sites aimed at people "of a certain age." That's why I've registered www.TurnDownThatRacket.com, www.KidsToday.net, and www.Eh?What'sThatSonny?.org. Also, Friendster.com.
Which brings up an interesting solution: Since housing costs take up more of our income and many are losing their houses, why not simply turn to online networking and "live" with "friends" in their "homes?" It's e-tastic!
Finally, American consumers have begun borrowing less money. See, we're not dumb, we're just slow. As they said in the '50s,
Better slow than red.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.