Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The iPhone is so close, I can feel it. Finally, my life will have meaning... Wait, maybe that's why they're all "i" products, because it's about me, giving me an "i"dentity. That's it, I'm naming my new baby girl Steve Jobs.
(No, I don't have a new baby girl. If I did, though, Steve Jobs would be her name.)
The actual Steve Jobs announced something or other about
browsers this week, and his loyal followers prepared the golden Kool-Aid jugs, chanting "One of us! One of us! Apple is an infallible one of us!"
annual meeting, far too many people waved their hands and said "Yoo Hoo! I have a question! Yoo hoo! Over here." What a bunch of yahoos. Thank you, thank you.
The Justice Department approved the merger of
Chicago Mercantile Exchange
Chicago Board of Trade
, thanks to valuable input from the firm of Daley, Capone, & Deep Dish.
In other M&A news, the
may sell Barneys to the Dubai government. What?! This is an outrage! Start the congressional hearings! We can't let those with terrorist ties control our high-end fashion! High-end fashion is like our ports, well, they're the ports to the bodies of our best dressed -- and therefore most important -- people.
I suppose if they cut off our supply of seersucker we can always open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling for tweed.
is might sell its Jaguar and Land Rover divisions. "We're thinking about cutting back, saving costs, finding a profitable business models. In fact, starting next week, Ford dealers will only sell the iPhone."
In related news,
has begun to market against the likes of
with a campaign about buying American. Or, as Samuel Johnson said, "Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."
announced that it will end controversial contracts with executives and their relatives. Instead, the company will just hand them canvas bags full of unmarked bills.
Speaking of which, the two co-founders of
are expected to make about $2.3 billion from its public offering. I think I just died a little inside.
There's a lot of money out there. I just want a little.
Robert Rubin gave Congressional testimony calling for higher taxes on hedge fund managers. He was then given control of a hedge fund, and added, "Never mind."
An FDA advisory panel rejected an antiobesity drug from
because of worries about psychiatric problems and suicide, unlike obesity, which just goes straight to the death, but slower. No worries, just sell it as an "herbal remedy." I think the estate of Anne Nicole Smith needs a new product to endorse.
NBC News announced an online educational venture with high school curricula as part of "No Broadcast Media Branding Opportunity Left Behind."
Speaking of branding,
announced plans to stop advertising certain products to kids. Why? Froot Loops and Cocoa Krispies are "part of a healthy breakfast." All you've need to do is add some dairy, protein, fruit, grains, and, well, a healthy breakfast. And dental care. And liposuction.
You know what else is "part of a healthy breakfast?" Crack.
Meanwhile, Hollywood is planning to show racier, adult-themed movie trailers online. Perfect. The Internet. Where kids can't access them.
A new study shows that higher payments for medical procedures do not necessarily produce better results, to which the invisible hand of the market replied, "Shut up shut up shut up!" Actually, the hand didn't say anything, it just pointed at the study. Not with the index finger.
The SEC eased the rules on short-sellers' ability to sell stock when it's falling because Christopher Cox
wants to see what its like when a market crashes.
The COO of EADS, the parent of
, resigned this week. Well, he tried to resign, but it was too big a project, ran way over cost, was delayed for years, and several
execs swept in and resigned instead.
The news comes as the EU is developing a partnership to produce more environmentally friendly airplanes. More comfortable, affordable, or on time? Not so much.
In a related story: I flew to Denver and Los Angeles this week. The airlines are out of control. Now they're charging $5 for a snack, $3 for headphones, and $10 to use their oxygen. Can't even bring your own.
The defense rested in the Conrad Black trial. While Black himself did not testify, his mentor, Beezelbub, Lord of Darkness did. He told jurors that a) he taught Black everything he knows and b) if they convict him they'll burn an eternal fire of damnation. The prosecution did not cross examine.
Finally, another energy bill debate started on Capitol Hill. My proposal: Harness all the hot air in Congress to power the world. Yeah, I'm going out on a limb, calling Congress ineffective blowhards. Bring it.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.