Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
touched 12,000 this week, and OPEC met to discuss how to change that. "Wait until Nov. 8" seems to be the guiding policy.
In corporate news,
spent about $1 billion to buy a chain of stores in China, which welcomes the company because, as Chinese officials put it, "The Great Smiling One can teach us much about human rights, or lack thereof."
It's Wal-Mart Mania!
The company also expanded its $4 prescription drug program to 12 more states, all part of its strategy to drive Canada out of business. Next up: "Hockey Night in Aisle Three!"
In other M&A developments, the
Oshkosh Truck Company
, prompting economists to exclaim, "OshKosh! B'Gosh!" Then they went back to analyzing pun futures.
Chicago Mercantile Exchange
will merge with the
Chicago Board of Trade
, the Cubs will join the White Sox, the Yanks will love the Mets, cats and dogs will live together, it's going to be total chaos.
Who you gonna call?! Ghostbusters!
Carl Icahn bought up part of
Guess he likes pretty things that are failing. Hey Carl, I'm not much to look at, but I'm definitely losing money. Wanna turn me around? Come on. ...
purchased a share of a Turkish bank, in order to test a new accounting method. It's a hybrid of cash, accrual and plate whirling, known simply as The Dervish.
will announce a deal to distribute
World Wrestling Entertainment
DVDs. The deal was settled after Harvey tagged out brother Bob, who distracted the ref while Harvey swung a chair at the Junk Yard Dog.
bought out its partner
and will now have 100% control of Cialis, prompting American men to suddenly feel inadequate.
Send in the Barbies!
In a related story,
reported sales of Barbie rose last quarter, thanks to a recent injection of Botox and society's desire to further subjugate woman to men's unrealistic physical ideal. But she's got accessories!!
Speaking of fashionable "must haves,"
profits soared on back-to-school sales of Macs and iPods. Back to school sales, back to the future stock options ... what's the difference? (iPods for school? Yeah, why listen to a math teacher when you can enlist in economic slavery?)
In a related story,
PlayStation 3 will battle
to birth the 300 millionth kid without social skills while Nielsen will begin tracking video game usage. Next up:
Are you breathing, what are you thinking, where are you looking, how can I possibly show you another advertisement?
profit jumped 10% thanks to brisk sales in its new "Human Dignity" section.
In other earnings news this week,
stock rose because its third-quarter profit beat analysts expectations, even though that profit
by 35%. What the hell were analysts expecting? Blood in the stool?
posted blockbuster earnings (
) and announced plans to cover 30% of its headquarters with solar panels. Google then bought the sun.
as the world's leading PC seller and surpassed the FBI as the world's leading spies.
As far as you know.
In other corporate developments,
will no longer allow its characters to endorse junk food. Explained a spokesman: "We figure for every three children we keep healthy, we can enslave one in the diamond mine beneath 'It's A Small World.'"
The Carlyle Group plans to raise billions to get into the private buyout game. Their first target is one which they already own: The Future of The U.S.
Universal Music Group
was actively trying to engage the future of tomorrow by launching its own Internet service. It's bound to fail. "Cool" never works when it's owned by The Man, and Universal is owned by a
man, Vivendi, so ... well, you do the math.
A report by the New York State Comptroller said that the securities industry pays five times better than other New York City jobs, prompting me to present a special edition of the "Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness."
Best & Brightest
In executive news,
Stephen Hemsley is in trouble for backdated options. Hemsley used to work at
. Gee, I wonder where he learned accounting tricks? Should former employees even include Arthur Andersen on resumes? It might raise fewer red flags to just write, "1997-2001: The Heroin Incident."
founder stepped down, after Taking-Away-Youth-Sensitivity-To-Violence and Taking-Several-Million-Through-Fake-Financials.
CEO Tom Freston's
getting an $85 million severance, and was promptly pulled from the starting lineup for the Money-Grubber$ Softball League World Series.
Former Barkin lover and
Chief Ron Perelman has made tons investing in disease handling designer drugs. On a side note, sales are up for Revlon's Smallpox Lip Gloss and Anthrax Eye Shadow.
NYC's Mayor denied claims he might sell Bloomberg LP, saying "I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will sell it, Mike I am." Reporters were then escorted out by Aide 1 and Aide 2.
Actor Wesley Snipes reportedly owes the IRS $12 million in taxes. He was indicted for tax evasion, vampire vengeance, and making many of us feel bad about our vertical leap. Rumor has it he had himself cryogenically frozen because, in the future, there's no income tax, and he can battle Sandra Bullock and Sly Stallone in peace. Yes, I like bad movies.
A federal judge threw away Ken Lay's conviction, prompting Lay to ask Elvis and Hoffa if it was OK to come out of hiding now.
Hey, that Yale guy who used the video to apply to
is considering a suit against the company. Nice. Video camera: $500. Lack of shame: $1200. Suing someone else: Priceless (minus attorneys fees).
Finally, a former FDA commissioner admitted to conflicts with companies the agency was regulating. In his defense, he said: "We're all
die soon anyway, so what's the big deal?"
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.