Funny Money: Obsolete in Minutes

Hacked iPhones have about the same shelf life as the UAW, plus much more corporate hilarity.
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Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

You know what you never hear? "I met the most beautiful, intelligent, well-rounded girl waiting in line for

Halo 3

."

Actually,

Halo 3

has a cool concept. If players shoot enough aliens, the game provides health care coverage to poor children and

GM

retirees. It's almost impossible to win.

The UAW quickly ended its strike of GM once it noticed that the strike created no change in productivity. The agreement is a seminal moment in U.S. labor relations. Worth our undivided attention for as long as...

What?! Deal or No Deal has an Internet site?

The deal basically allows GM to shift its health care costs into a fund that will rely upon investment returns. Hmm, looks like we

did

get to invest Social Security in the market after all. Just, kinda, sorta, indirectly.

Well, at least U.S. automakers won't have workers' healthcare as an excuse for underperforming anymore. They'll just have Katrina, 9/11, Myanmar, Courtney Love, or whatever else comes along.

In case you missed the full-page ads, painted buses, Internet pop-ups, radio interruptions, or subliminal messages (

Heroes!

) haunting your dreams, the fall TV season is underway. Yippee! Oh, also, there's some trouble in the Middle East and the U.N. is messing up traffic, but

Bionic Woman

kicks butt!

A

BBC

scandal has thrown into doubt the reliability of the British network's broadcasts. I hope this doesn't mean the Queen Mum wasn't really watching all those Monty Python sketches.

Amazon's

digital music store went online, prompting millions of old people to smash their vinyl records against their increasingly underappreciated memories.

Seriously, is entertainment industry news even "news"? (P.S. Hire me.)

Pudding Media is a start-up that searches Internet calls to tailor advertising. It's funded by the NSA.

Facebook, Myspace, LinkedIn... there are too many networking sites. Can't someone just make one place for all my "friends"? How about localbar.com, or commonroom.net, or cryingundermybedsheets.tv?

A plan to allow foreign companies to use international accounting standards has run into opposition. Supporting the measure:

Computer Associates.

Oh, and the fact that companies can pretty much make up their accounting.

Hacked iPhones no longer work after the latest

Apple

software upgrade, thus making those iPhones just like the rest of Apple's products. Obsolete within minutes.

The shoe-seller

Finish Line

said

Genesco

had breached their merger deal by not going all the way to the end of the race, by not completing the task, not, um, crossing the you-know-what. Seriously, people.

Business

comedy? I've been doing this for years now. It ain't easy.

Meanwhile, the

Sallie Mae

deal may be falling through. Shoulda had your father

Freddie Mac

bring a shotgun to the wedding.

The CEO of

General Mills

suddenly quit, but the cereal maker has assured investors that his resignation is still "part of a healthy breakfast."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is sure working on bringing back the casual Fridays look, isn't he?

The New York Times

ran an article about the "happiness gap" between men and women, to which the Viagra, Zoloft, Propecia industry replied, "and your point is?"

The Interior Department's program to collect billions in royalties from oil and gas companies is rife with mismanagement and potential corruption. Hooray! It's the long-missing Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness! You win, Interior Department. Everyone else loses.

Banks are trying to create a regulated system for trading carbon emission permits, because if there's anything the financial industry likes, it's new markets with --

hope! hope!

-- barriers to entry and understanding. You can't skim 10% off the top of nothing, can you?

Sling Media

is being bought by

EchoStar

. Wonder if Sling's inescapable "contest" that had comedians provide free advertisements, er, whore themselves, er, compete for like $6, had anything to do with raising their profile enough to make these millions. I'm sure we'll all get a share, right?

What?

You're just exploiting the desperation of young artists trying to find a voice in this confusing world? Sweet.

A California court refused to reopen a lawsuit over royalties for

Winnie The Pooh

because the petitioner wasn't wearing pants and was clearly drunk on honey. Also, his lawyer was a hyperactive tiger and other references to make you feel good inside.

Over half a million

more

Chinese toys were recalled for having lead. Your children can apologize at the local Chinese consulate.

Chevron

will buy back billions of stock as part of its new corporate philosophy: "Nobody makes money but me, muthaf'ers!"

Bear Stearns

is in talks to sell up to 20% of the firm. Frankly, you wanna improve your business? Change your ominous name. Try "Bull Easy-Going."

Oh, a positive market and a chill atmosphere? I'm in!

A senator is questioning potential kickbacks paid by

Medtronics

to spine surgeons. Not only do the kickbacks provide financial incentive, but attempting to actually kick one's own back causes spinal injury. It's a self-fulfilling pyramid scheme of pain and goodness. Just like my soul.

The

SEC

is investigating whether credit-rating agencies improperly inflated ratings for mortgage-backed securities. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the findings of this investigation will win next month's Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness.

Waddaya think, readers?

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.