Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
After the Democrats took control of Congress in this week's election, Wall Street reaction was mixed. Some were concerned about regulation. Some thought gridlock would be good for the market. Others could barely lift their heads from their piles of money and misogyny to ask: "What election?"
In a related story, Wall Street bonuses are going to be huge again, which is good news for New York City's luxury item market. You know what's still quite exotic and exclusive?
Yeah, so the Democrats won. The Democrat who's likely to chair the House Energy and Commerce Committee wants to delay the
merger until, "I can get some of that sweet, sweet phone company bribe money."
Those who were pro-gridlock were mostly traffic cops.
Speaking of which,
was cleared of wrongdoing in the death of someone in police custody in L.A. I, for one, am so glad it was just good old-fashioned police brutality.
In other legal news,
which earlier won over $600 million from BlackBerry maker
Research in Motion
with a similar patent infringement claim. If you hold out your hand, you'll see where your life line crosses your love line. Just below that is your litigation line and the "Hey, why don't you make something instead of just suing others" line. Then there's the food line.
No wait, that's just gravy.
To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here
A judge ruled that former
CEO Franklin Raines must be given thousands of documents. The decision was cause for celebration all throughout the legal placement industry, as tens of lazy, marginally qualified contract attorneys got another few weeks to stare at computer screens for $35/hour. I used to do that. Nice work if you can get it.
XM Satellite Radio
gained 15% early in the week. Looks like Oprah's doing that yo-yo-ing weight thing again...
was purchased for about $3 billion, leaving hedge fund Pirate Capital on the sidelines, you'd probably expect me to make some Australian pirate joke. Sorry. I choose to say this: "That's not an investment.
is an investment." Mate. G'day. Barbie.
In other M&A news, the chief exec of
made a buyout bid for the hotel chain, citing its decided lack of any obnoxious "celebrity" heirs as reason
and combine it with Tello Distributors to form a team of unparalleled comedic medical genius. Abbot, Kos, & Tello.
... in an all-stock deal. When gold producers think stock is a safe investment, maybe we should take notice.
. Sounds to me like Fred Flintstone and his little green alien friend are in for some changes.
Speaking of change, the editor of the
Los Angeles Times
was fired for speaking out against proposed layoffs. Freedom of speech and freedom of the press just couldn't coexist. They're both so needy. It was a sham marriage anyway, just a cover up for...
The illicit love of money and the media. It's an abusive relationship, as shown by Morgan Stanley's downgrade of
The New York Times
will offer TV and movies through its new Xbox, further ensuring that a generation be addicted to pixilated images. Next up: Microsoft's Imagination 2.0 (not compatible on most humans).
Meanwhile, the editor of
magazine quit in order to find another demographic to corrupt with shallow values. "Have you seen kids today? My work here is done."
In related news, Britney dumped K-Fed, while Bush dumped Rummy. When will
dump YouTube, which was named the
Invention of The Year? Last year's winner, a cloned Afghan puppy named Snuppy, made just as much money as YouTube. Zippo.
In corporate news,
will increase the floor space of Victoria's Secret. Just because Kirstie Alley goes on TV in a bikini, doesn't mean we have to freak out, people. Okay?
is poised to become the world's biggest automaker in 2007, at which point it will reveal its true origin.
Gong. An undersea nuclear explosion created a giant prehistoric monster that conserves fossil fuels through hybrid technology because fossils are the bones of its ancestors! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
In other auto news,
ousted CEO Bernd Pischetsrieder for flouting its "Excessive Executive Consonant Cluster" policy. (Say
five times fast).
The big six accounting firms asked for relaxed liability standards. So, on the one hand, we should do business with you because you're reliable, but on the other hand, you shouldn't be responsible for doing a bad job. Um, no. Just pay more attention to your work.
Admittedly, what do I know? If I mess up a joke, it's not like anyone goes to jail. Well, there was that time in Columbus...
rescinded its order for 10 Airbus A380s after continued delays in production of the gigantic jet. You know, Airbus, even Icarus got off the ground before he crashed.
Microsoft will pay a percentage of music sales from its new Zune to
Universal Music Group
. In exchange, Universal's parent,
, will build a machine that can send an electromagnetic pulse into the Earth's core, triggering a shift of the tectonic plates at the San Andreas Fault. You know, Earthquake in "Apple Town."
After five years and many delays, Microsoft has finished the code for Windows Vista. It will be delivered via
on an Airbus A380...
Many small businesses are sending checks electronically to banks, and the NYSE laid off 500 workers as it moved towards electronic trading. Hooray, everything on computer! Money, voting, entertainment, trading, emotions! I'm sure this will never come back to haunt us...
hired a new advertising company to handle marketing and communications. I am saddened to report it was not Dudley Moore, Darryl Hannah, and all those other insane asylum misfits from
. (Look, I used to watch a lot of movies.)
The New York Times
ran a photo with the following caption (for real): "Nvidia demonstrated an interactive and photorealistic frog that could be stretched and slapped by an interactive video hand."
And you were worried about cancer.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.