Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Here's a headline from
The New York Times'
business section: "Women's Clothing Sales, Sign of Retail Health, Are Unusually Weak." Or... perhaps our lessened ability to spend on unnecessary luxuries like fashion lessens, has forced a paradigm shift away from superficiality to matters of substance and purpose. Or... we'll just get some foreign kids to work harder so pants are cheaper. Either way's cool with me.
Defense attorneys in the Anthony Pellicano Hollywood spying case claim that key evidence was improperly acquired because it was written by scab nonguild members who received no online proceeds.
Speaking of which, the late night talk shows are going back on air, but without comedy writers. Much like, for almost three years, "Funny Money" has gone on without comedy writers. As you shall see.
Rayovac batteries signed a partnership with
, bringing us that much closer to the final battle for worldwide supremacy between Mickey Mouse and the Energizer Bunny.
( TT) has emerged as the leading bidder for Jaguar, because when you hop in a Jaguar, you say "ta-ta" to your competitors, on the road and in life, thus completing the circle of wealth.
agreed to buy
. A big investment in air-conditioning. Hmmm. Methinks this doesn't bode well for polar bears. Of course, they own non-voting shares, but still...
There Goes the Neighborhood
Nanosolar claims to be the first to make a profitable panel. Nice claim. Guess what? Santa Claus claims to be real, dinosaurs claimed to be meteor-proof, and I claim to turn hundred dollar bills into Macallan 12-year-old Scotch. Wanna find out which is true?
Of course, Nanosolar is backed by
, who we all know intends to consume the universe, starting with the sun, so maybe it's not that far-fetched.
Congress passed a weak energy bill, the EPA knocked down California's attempt to clean things up, and everybody noticed that China's citizens are covered in soot. Glad I'll be outta this place in another 60 years. The whole neighborhood's going to pot.
When asked why the EPA waited years to finally overrule California's emissions efforts, agency directors said that it took a while for the auto industry's checks to clear.
Of course, the EU moved to actually cut pollution, because they're a bunch of backward countries that don't know what it takes to survive. They've only been around for, what, ever? Amateurs.
The EU also announced plans to build a giant fan to blow all polluted air back West toward us and East to China. That or a really big dome.
The FCC did something that didn't involve Jackson family body parts this week, ruling that no cable company can own more than 30% of the market. Of course, if we're relying upon media companies to calculate accurate and fair percentages, we're in for trouble, right Writers Guild of America?
The other FCC rule was to allow newspapers to buy local TV and radio stations because, while people still hear and see... Reading? Not so much. You can podcast
War and Peace
Health insurers seem to be offering some miniscule efforts to increase coverage of the uninsured and fend off regulation. Then again, Hitler said he was only going to Poland for "a short visit," so I'm not sure we should trust 'em.
Yes, I compared big HMOs to the Fuhrer. Go ahead and complain. It'll take two years for them to process the complaint, it'll run over budget, and it'll be misdiagnosed as a "complimentary bulbous effusion."
No Thanks -- We're Full
reported a 30% quarterly earnings drop because Americans have finally reached their maximum size. Human skin can stretch no farther, and, in some parts of Ohio, there's a critical shortage of denim. (And whatever material used to make sweatpants. Sweat? Do they make them from sweat? That doesn't seem right. Maybe it's broken dreams.)
The House approved legislation that will require the government to pay for damage resulting from a terrorist attack. The bill is known as both the "
Recoups Profits from Middle East Activities on the Back End" plan, and "Profiting from the Inevitable."
reported its first quarterly loss ever and sold a $5 billion stake to a Chinese investment fund, but, hey, buy some tainted toys for Christmas! Nothing to worry about.
Anyone wanna scrap the whole thing and start over? Just like that movie. "The first rule of Funny Money is... you don't talk about Funny Money... The second rule of Funny Money is... buy me a sandwich."
Kudos to Morgan Stanley chief John Mack who said he'd forgo a 2007 bonus as a result of the loss. When hearing that news, other CEOs said, "Well, there's always one bad apple that spoils the bunch."
Controversial ads about childhood mental disorders were pulled after viewers complained they didn't involve any sex, competition or fabricated desire. Besides, the ads were just to raise awareness of diseases, and, considering they made it all the way to my column, I'd say they worked.
A hedge fund is agitating against the railroad operator
, demanding alternate directors, all of whom, I hope, will have handlebar moustaches and tie damsels in distress onto tracks. Bwahahahaha!
is expected to sell its medium-duty truck business because it falls outside its core competency. That core competency, of course, is sucking.
The Treasury refused to designate China a currency manipulator, despite a note from Alan King which read, "Help! I'm a prisoner in a Chinese bakery... and currency manipulator!" Please tell me someone gets this reference.
results beat the Wall Street expectations because analysts misread the entrails and their sacrifice wasn't really a virgin. It was a Spears.
Oh, and Happy Holidays everyone.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.