Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Troubles for PC makers mounted this week as
said that the Justice Department has joined the
investigation into the company's use of accounting ledgers that burst into flames.
insiders are defending their spying on directors and reporters, correctly pointing out that there have been no new terrorist attacks on H-P since the program began, and that the methods did uncover dangerous plots to steal office supplies.
The issue with H-P, of course, is pretexting, which, to my surprise is neither reading a speech before it's delivered nor traveling into the past to prevent yourself from drunk-messaging that girl at 3 a.m.
In non-PC news,
announced a product that will allow you to watch movies on your television! No, it's not a DVD player, a VCR, cable, or even the power switch, but a little dohickey that'll take movies from the Internet to your computer to your television! Wow! And as the quality degrades from step to step, you can spend more money!
Actually, I'm glad this new announcement arrived, because it'd been too long since Steve Jobs told me what I need.
Speaking of being in need,
announced plans to accelerate its 30,000 scheduled layoffs to 2008 from 2012, which is pretty much the only thing that's successfully accelerated from Ford in the last five years.
Zero to unemployed in 16 months!
In other auto industry news, the Lincoln Town Car may be out of production, meaning I can finally get a parking spot on my street.
introduced a new version of Monopoly with "classic" items like a
Prius, New Balance sneakers,
fries, and a
cell phone, because kids need branding, too. I mean, they might as well get used to corporations owning their property and sending them to jail now, right?
I admit it. I am LonelyGuy15.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley vetoed a plan that would have singled out
for minimum wage requirements, then said he hated the Cubs and wished the "El" ran underground.
Separately, Wal-Mart allegedly paid bonuses to store managers who cut employee break time. So, performance-based pay which leads to ethically questionable behavior is
on the low level, but
in the executive suite? OK. Just wanna get that straight.
Speaking of questionable ethics, there's an investigation into the low bid from
chief after reports that he purposely undervalued the concession supplier by telling everyone what really went into hot dogs. (Hint: It's soylent green! Hot dogs are soylent green!)
In other things-you-shouldn't-ingest developments,
introduced automatic coffee stands where you just slip a prepackaged pod into a machine. In case that doesn't remind you of the company break room enough, it'll be accompanied by fluorescent lights and a bowl of M&Ms.
trying to get approval for a colon cancer drug to treat breast cancer. I haven't seen this type of synergy since Foot and Mouth disease.
Speaking of synergy, the
supermarket chain saw earnings increase as Americans began fattening up for winter. Ah, who am I kidding, we're just fattening up for, oh, let's say Wednesday. "Hey, it's another day! Let's eat!"
In a related story, Mars introduced a line of "healthy" chocolate bars that may not be healthy after all. Said a spokesman, "By helping you live less time, our product will increase your quality of life per days on earth ratio, thus making your stay here better. And fatter." Now that's spin!
A group of economists said that the unemployment insurance system should be revamped. No. The unemployed should be forced to walk on treadmills eight hours a day which will not only cure the obesity epidemic, but will produce enough energy to wean us from our oil dependency.
Two birds with one idiotic stone.
A group of investors, including Bill Gates' private equity firm, is hoping to buy
for $13 billion. That means the Bumble Bee will be bundled with the Telenovela!
Stanford University's Medical Center will not allow doctors to take gifts from pharmaceutical reps. What is this, Albania? How are we supposed to know about unnecessary and addictive treatments for diseases we don't really have? Or get free pens? I hope you're happy, "Stanford," that my family now has to face life with only food, shelter, entertainment, and love. What kind of "learning" do you teach? What "real world" are you preparing your students for? Not the one I live in, that's for sure. Honesty? Integrity? What. Ever.
Meanwhile, two papers published by the AMA conclude that Vioxx probably posed a heightened risk of heart problems. Shortly after receiving seats on
board of directors, the authors of the studied said their claims required further study and an Aspen condo.
In charitable news, George Soros donated $50 million to help stop African poverty. Hey George, why do you hate freedom?
started a for-profit philanthropy project designed to bring wireless internet to refugee camps worldwide. "You can search on your Internet browser. ... Hey, are those flies?"
Google also struck a deal with Quickbooks accounting software. They'll have our financial data in their one-location cache, too.
Can't wait for Big Brother to confiscate it for "national security." "It seems these poor people aren't paying enough taxes to support the rich ones. Back to the salt mines!"
Europe's high court ruled that members cannot go after taxes in other countries, unless they were "artificial" subsidiaries, prompting multinationals across the West to proclaim: "They're real and they're spectacular."
The U.S. trade deficit hit a record $68 billion, which means it's probably time to fire more people charged with enforcing tax payments of the superrich.
Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said China is hurting itself with its economic policies, adding, "Come on China, you know you want it."
The hedge fund Pirate Capital is under suspicion for violating securities rules, and the SEC should be under suspicion for not noticing the name. Hello? What'll get your attention, "I'm Stealing, LLP?"
Universal Music Group
is demanding payment for content on YouTube. Payment for the creators and artists? Not so much. Virtue is its own reward, and, combined with food stamps, that will get you a week's worth of Ramen.
In other YouTube news, old commercials are getting a "new life" on the Internet. Commercials are now our shared identity.
Remember when it was stuff like the moon landing and Jimi Hendrix and "The Muppets Take Manhattan?" All at the same time. Me neither, but that would've been cool.
Finally, rumors are flying again that Air America Radio may be bankrupt, prompting a spokesman to say: "If we had a nickel for every time someone said we were going broke. ... Well, we wouldn't be in this predicament, now would we? You gonna finish that sandwich?"
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.