Funny Money: Intel's Counterattack

AMD's deal with Toshiba sparks a fierce retort. Plus, eBay invades Thailand and more.
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Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The Federal Trade Commission opened an antitrust investigation into

Google's

purchase of

DoubleClick

, prompting the FTC's website to be the top result for any Internet search with the phrase "jerk."

Google's founder Sergey Brin married this month, and reportedly invested $3.9 million in his wife's start-up company. Um, when I got married, I got my wife a card. It was a nice card, but, still... Can we set the bar a little lower, fellas? What's next, I have to remember our anniversary?

Toshiba

switched from

Intel

to

AMD

chips. On the battlefield of the Microprocessors War, a brave Intel ad exec commands: "Blue Man Group! Attaaaaaack!!" (Trumpets blaring).

eBay

has agreed to start an auction site in Thailand. Finally, the land of $10 beach villas, unregulated sex trade, and Tsanami devastation can bid on

Seinfeld

DVDs.

The founder of the

Build-A-Bear

chain is backing a similar store for customized toy cars. Well, sure. It's only natural to go from one of nature's majestic creatures to that which will destroy its home.

Documents from one of

Wal-Mart's

advertising agencies reveal the company's concern that their low-prices may only be attracting "hillbilly" types. Well, that's easy to remedy. May I present "Wahl-Marte: Purveyor of fine imported luxury crap."

Bully

.

The

Royal Bank of Scotland Group

led a $95.6 billion bid for

ABN Amro

and, just to add pressure, released video of Amro's CEO swimming around Loch Ness.

Incidentally, $95.6 billion dollars is now worth 13 pounds... Nope, down to 12 pounds... 11...

Yes, I was recently in London ... for Memorial Day, and what I memorialized most was the dollar not stinking. Next time, I'm smuggling in sandwiches, because the Brits don't blink at paying $18 for a turkey club.

Wanna know how expensive the low dollar makes things in the U.K.? Right now, one British prime minister costs

two

failed American Middle East military expeditions. Crazy.

Meanwhile, Robert Zoellick was appointed to lead the World Bank. Problem: He's actually qualified.

What gives?

In other international news, China sentenced a medical drug regulator convicted of bribery to

death

. Whoa. That system might change some stuff over here, don't you think? We usually sentence consumers to death, right Vioxx?

High five!

Geesh, China. We get it. You're serious about cracking down in light of the recent tainting scandals, but

death?

Couldn't you just have given him a government pension, the Medal of Freedom, and a lucrative private sector job in the industry he "regulated"? That would've been punishment enough.

Apparently the sentence was handed down after the official pleaded guilty. So, he plea bargained... to death? Wow, that is some good lawyering. What was the government's original offer? Polonium-210 taster?

Bausch & Lomb

eye drop tester? Lifelong

GM

stockholder?

Speaking of death, Doctor Kevorkian got out of prison after eight years on Friday and immediately increased his offer for the

MGM Mirage's

Bellagio. (Yes, readers, I love that Kevorkian and Kerkorian have similar names. Also similar: "Has time to email incoherent criticism to 'comedians'" and "Needs to get a life.")

VeriSign

said that CEO Stratton Sclavos resigned for "undisclosed reasons," then registered the Web site, www.StrattonSciavosResignedBecauseHe'sAJerk.net. (But if you search for that, you'll get the FTC site.)

Jazz Pharmaceuticals

had an IPO this week. Jazz sells GHB, which is a schedule one narcotic, often called the "date rape drug," and the reason I spent two hours counting my fingerprints in an Oakland loft in 1998. Hey, it was medicinal! I injured my anti-productivity gland, and it needed it fixing. Um, in theory.

Anyhoo, while investing in such a company may seem risky, if things don't go according to plan, Jazz says "we'll improvise something." Ski-bop, bi-shim-sham, ka-boom! (

Jazz. Improvise.

Too far for too little?)

The New York Times

did an article about investments in

online comedy video. (Cut to: Me coughing, blinking, pulling out empty pockets, looking hopeful.)

Four

Ernst & Young

employees were charged with tax fraud conspiracy. They've since asked E & Y to stop paying legal bills so the case can get tossed. Hey, worked for KPMG, might work for them.

Coca-Cola

and

Pepsi

both agreed to stop testing their products on animals and will instead test them on poor people. As they've been doing for years.

Ceridian

, a human resources company, was sold to Thomas Lee, a private equity firm. Private equity now has human resources... Oh my gawd, it's people! Private equity is people!!!

The Supreme Court restricted workers' rights to sue for discrimination. The decision -- which will finally allow companies to spend litigation budgets on marketing deadly products, buying legislators, and paying for golden parachutes -- was made when several justices mistook the date 2007 for 1907.

European farmers are turning to products that can be converted to fuel. Crops that make gas? Have you tried pinto beans?

Prosecutors rested their case in the Conrad Black trial. The defense began by proclaiming, "This battle station is now the ultimate power in the universe." Then they kidnapped Princess Leia, destroyed Alderon, and called their first witness.

On Wednesday, the

S&P 500

went higher than it's been since 2000. Great. This fall is the 20th anniversary of the 1987 market crash, the Airbus A380 is Titanic in the sky, I just invested in Hindenburg Flight Technologies, and I believe I hear Nero practicing his fiddle. Should be a great year!

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (

JeffKreisler.com

) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

click here

to send him an email.