Funny Money: Holiday Dreams

Forget peace and love. What we <I>really</I> need is an army of cloned supermodels and a <I>Guitar Hero</I> game.
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Early this week, turkey futures fell on a surplus of gobble gobble, but Friday the market rallied behind the Dark Meat and Cranberry index before settling into a postmeal slowdown in front of the TV.

Of course, the TV shows were produced by studios that don't give writers a fair wage, the meal was in a house under foreclosure, and the toys bought that day had lead from China, but still ¿ it was a good time.

The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, or D.O.O.M, met early in the week and argued over whether to count its money in 100s, 1,000s, dollars, euros or Giseles.

NBC and

Procter & Gamble

are working together to open a Web portal for pet owners. I hope the home page shows a guy in a sandwich board declaring ¿The End Is Near,¿ rather than simply calling the site Pets.com, version 2.0.

Amway¿s expanding into entertainment offerings. Great, let's combine the sound foundation of a pyramid scheme with the integrity of showbiz. Why not just call it ¿Emptiness Version 2.0¿ and move on?

The weak dollar is generating some hefty overseas profits.

Hey, readers in Europe! Wanna buy some "funny"? I know a guy.

Speaking of Europe, EU scientists developed artificial skin for cosmetics testing, and other researchers created embryo-free stem cells.

Goody

. Just in time for the holidays, we can make a super-race of Giseles.

Look, she put herself into the business news by asking to be paid in euros, and she's dating my quarterback, so she's fair game

.

A new study that said Wall Street employees led all NYC earners in pay has won this week's

Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness

. Congrats, study. Next time, once again, tell us something we already know.

Amazon.com

introduced a $400 electronic book reader because no one would pay 1/20 of that amount for something that's won't require constant maintenance. Besides, when you take the electronic book reader to the beach, it kicks sand in your face before getting it stuck in its gears.

When discussing the ethics of copying advertising, analysts overlook the fact that advertising perverts the concepts of art and originality by being creative strictly to encourage consumption. So, please visit our sponsors along the sides of this column.

Medtronic's

profits beat estimates after Medtronic itself beat Optimus Prime and Megatron in a Transformers battle royale.

United Rentals

wants to force Cerberus Capital to complete its $4 billion buyout because it mistakenly believes it includes renting a van to move to the capital of the distant planet of Cerberus.

CBS News

writers authorized a strike. But but but, who will misinform us now?

Swiss Re

took a $1.07 billion write down. You know what that means. Someone's getting a bitchin' severance package. With watches and cheese and neutrality. Oh my!

The Supreme Court will decide whether ownership of a handgun is a right. Gee, wonder which way the hunter Scalia and his minions will vote? Oh, wait, business¿ The decision will affect the gun industry.

Freddie Mac

reported higher losses as more and more borrowers realized it had a silly name. But don't worry, the alternative, Sallie Mae, is, um, oh, never mind.

The Fed predicted slower growth next year, then went back to its cave overlooking all the Whos in Whoville.

Schering-Plough

will publish just a portion of the results from a cholesterol drug trial. The company¿s version: "It's really ¿ good. Nobody ¿ died." The unedited version: "It's really

not

good. Nobody

could tell me why everybody

died."

BlackRock

will manage the $75 billion fund designed to shore up the securities market but will undoubtedly kill innocent civilians and their investments in the process, then be shielded by the Bush administration.

What? BlackRock isn't the same as BlackWater?

Well, does BlackPaper beat them both? Even on BlackFriday? What about Jack Black? Black Jack? Black attack Big Mac?

I'm drunk on stuffing

.

The government is investigating whether a quit-smoking drug from

Pfizer

increases suicidal thoughts, or if that's just a result of people removing the nicotine blinders and seeing that life is confusing, unfair and finite.

Nah, probably just the drug.

A German court ruled that T-Mobile couldn't require iPhone buyers to enter into an exclusive 24-month contract. Can someone rule that politicians can't require us to enter into exclusive 2-, 4-, and 6-year contracts over here? Of course, Deutsche Telekom introduced a $1,500 iPhone, so maybe we don't want to discover the political equivalent.

The city of New Rochelle is counting on a new Trump development to revitalize its downtown. Um, unless your major industry is in the shipping and reselling of hot air, don't count on Trump.

President Bush nominated a new head of the IRS to finish the job Katrina started.

Profits at Deere & Co. rose as more people bought lawnmowers to clear a place for their foreclosed families to sleep.

Gap's profit rose since everyone still wants to be bland and regular.

But safe!

We'll be safe from the fashion bug.

Guitar Hero

is the new hit with everybody. Look, people, if you don't get your cheers and adoration after overcoming uncertainty, fear, poverty, ridicule, derision, and being cut out of the will, then, well¿ actually, that'd be nice. Creative angst is over-rated, especially compared to a savings account.

Nissan

recalled hundreds of thousands of Altimas and Sentras because their names are so, ah, annoying. Ah.

Modern law firms, my former employers, are in the spotlight for providing unique perks to their overworked associates. Massages, sushi, and nap rooms?

Sure

. Fulfillment, meaning and purpose?

Not so much.

The best business page holiday quote comes from James W. Paulsen of Wells Capital: "This week it's been all about fear overtaking greed." Merry Joy and Love everyone!

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (

JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.