Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
cut the price of its iPhone by $200, and everyone who didn't think this would happen, please turn in your blinders at the nearest pet rock store. Frankly, it won't make a difference. If you can't spend $600 on a phone with poor reception that will probably be "upgraded" right after the holidays, you can't spend $400 on it either. It's simple Econ 101, or Econ 666 ... same thing.
Steve Jobs or Ben Bernanke? Who has the highest hype-to-actually-doing-anything ratio? I'll disclose the answer in a
announcement soon. It's
So did we make it a week without any Chinese product recalls? No?
Dang. I'm running out of Chinese food/laundry/digging a hole to Omaha jokes...
announced its third recent recall. I get it: It's actually an elaborate game by the toy giant, an extremely involved choose-your-own-adventure called,
Running Your Business Into The Ground: Vice City
. Mattel is testing the beta version of the program, and they're losing. Or winning. It's not clear yet.
In the coming weeks, big banks will ask investors for billions for items like the
sale. "Come on, investors, you
you want some debt. Come
, it's so good. Everyone's doing it,
if it goes bad, it's not like
home. You'll just have to hire a politician to bail you out."
In a related story, congressional leaders are pushing to tighten loan rules. Improving education so there are better-informed, less-vulnerable consumers?
Not so much.
Our "elected officials" don't want lenders to market subprime loans to people with weak credit histories. What about marketing subprime politicians to people with weak media coverage?
A congressional panel questioned tactics for selling investment products to the elderly and the Feds charged 26 with defrauding them.
It's about time
. All this talk about homeowners and college kids made us forget about the best targets of financial scams: the old. Those who, literally, can't take it with them.
cut its production for next quarter, while
had lower sales. John Cougar Mellencamp, we need you! Tell us, whose country is this? "
This is our country!
" That's right.
country. Now go buy a truck.
Ford began an advertising campaign involving owners swapping their new cars for Fords. Seems reliable. If you can't trust advertising, what can you trust?
Speaking of successful marketing campaigns, increased demand for milk has created new wealth for farmers across the world. Said an industry spokes-cow: "Moo. My teat hurts. Moo."
The price of milk has actually gotten more expensive than oil in some parts of this country, forcing local icons to wear gasoline mustaches.
is marketing an Oreo cookie dessert pizza. Oreo. Cookie. Pizza. That's either the worst thing I've ever heard of, or just the motivation I need to stab out my eyes. Stabbing out my eyes: It's
Old Continents Never Die
A panel of experts rejected
attempt to have Office Open XML recognized as an international standard. In response, Microsoft released WeControlTheUniverse, version 2.1. This sets up the
Alien vs. Predator: Gates v Jobs
. Tagline: It's their virtual war, and we're caught in the middle. Somehow, it stars Brian Dennehy.
settled charges that it improperly inflated its earnings.
The fashion industry has no scruples? Stop the presses! Hold the dresses! Whatever else rhymes with yeses and messes!
will delay the test flight of its new Dreamliner in a blatant attempt to copy Airbus' superliner strategy.
Speaking of the "old" continent, a meeting of European cardiologists endorsed the use of heart stents after closely examining the gift bags provided by
Johnson & Johnson
The new head of
said he wants the company to become a global enterprise like
, then he ran out of hallucinogens and stopped talking out of his rump.
changed top executives from Miles Flint to Hideki Komiyama, solely because they're are at opposite ends of the name spectrum...
agreed to sell digital shows on
. Well, NBC has always pioneered entertainment. There was
, and uh... um... I'll get back to you. I mean, that's four, right? I'm sure this will work out.
There was an article this week about the difficulties the uber-rich face finding parking for their yachts. I'm not sure there's ever a good time for that article, but I think
would be a bad one. I've got an idea, why not park them in the yard of someone who lost their home so you could sell their bundled mortgage to an overseas hedge fund?
In other media news,
will cease publication. A magazine dedicated to the Web. A
magazine. That you could probably download for free. Can't understand why this business model didn't work, can you, Pets.com?
It's a Mad, Mad World
American parents are up in arms because a health kick has banned cupcakes at some school birthday parties. Getting upset because our educational system doesn't teach kids how to think?
Not so much.
A man who evaded taxes for nearly 30 years was sentenced to four years in jail, yet numerous companies "incorporated" in Bermuda continue to roam free.
Energy Department stats show that the cost of electricity in states with competition is actually
than in those without.
. You'd think competition would lower prices,
in the electricity industry, where it's not easy to enter the market and the three or four people in charge would never consider collusion or market manipulation. (That was sarcasm, just in case it doesn't drip off the screen).
A court blocked an order to reveal the names of users of a tax-evasion Web site, noting that in order to get such information, the people must at least be called "terror suspects."
Done and done.
Finally, no Labor Day parade for me. My floats had been repossessed, baton twirlers outsourced, and my cheering throngs sold to a consortium of private investors. Ah, life in the medium-paced lane.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.