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Funny Money: Foreign Aid

With the economy and dollar weak, we need European celebrities to start adopting our children.

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Ah, back to life. 2008. Moving forward. It's been a trying year so far. I lost my wedding ring on vacation. At least I was with my wife when I lost it...

This week's Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas caused a spike in questionable expense reports throughout the media industry.

Seriously, until they get the jet packs I was promised, don't bother reporting anything.

Incidentally, next week's Macworld Expo will cause a spike in lemmings overpaying for things they don't really need. Unless, of course,


Steve Jobs releases iMortgage.

Lawrence Summers has invested in a "YouTube for intellectual ideas" called Big Think. Wow, that'll attract tens.

Then again, Summers is the former Harvard University president who implied women are inferior, so maybe he knows something about how the Web works. You know, exploitation and all that.

Speaking of the Internet, United Artists became the latest studio to strike a side deal with the WGA, because YouTube just isn't providing enough non-cat-at-piano content for Hollywood. Look, people, YouTube is fun, but it's not a source of quality content. Nothing there is good. Speaking of which, please check out my page,


The Golden Globe Awards have been cancelled!

No, how will we survive? What will we watch? An election? Meh.

The Globes will be replaced by a news conference, which is a major reversal in the decades-long process of entertainment replacing the news.

Our Kids Need You, Victoria Beckham

National health spending soared to more than $2 trillion in 2006. On the plus side, we're still all going to die.

TheStreet Recommends

The housing slump continues, but don't worry. Come Feb. 1, when all the new, reset mortgage payments are due, today will seem like a seller's paradise.

President Bush admitted that the economy faces challenges, adding, "It's also possible the Earth is, sorta, kinda, a little round."

Mortgage crisis, possible recession, rising oil prices... The debate rages about how Washington can help. Hint: Give me money.

Many wonder whether


Chairman Ben Bernanke is "tough enough" to handle all this. Look, he's only had the ring of power for a little while. It took Greenspan years to turn into Gollum. Just give him time, time with Precious...

Bernanke did hint that more rate cuts are coming. Is that OK, Wall Street? Good, now finish your vegetables and get ready for bed, darling.

This is where things are: Luxury retailers have placed a three-handbag limit on customers so their bags don't get resold in Europe. It won't be long until some U.K. pop star comes here to adopt our poverty-stricken babies.

In happier news,


finally revealed its new logo: A blurry smudge¿.


changed its CEO because the company "lost the focus on... the costumer." Duh. The customers built up their tolerance. Just increase the caffeine level and give 'em something to do, like scrubbing their teeth.


is combining its mortgage operations into one unit and then casually throwing it out the car window.

Brazil: Imminent Threat

JPMorgan Chase

unveiled a new brand campaign to ease customer concerns. Instead of improving a product, just change marketing techniques? It's starting to look a lot like campaign season.


introduced a car that drives by itself. Well, we already have voting machines that work by themselves, so why not go to the polls with the same technology?

A taxpayer advocate suggested the IRS make $1,000 "apology payments" for mishandling cases. Sure, there aren't already enough incentives for the IRS to slack off, and giving money directly to taxpayers, instead of using it to fund schools, roads, and war, well, it

just makes sense


The toy industry is making stronger claims about the safety of its products, simply warning, "Don't give them water, food after midnight or bright light." (


anyone? Anyone?)

A hedge fund (GSO Capital) is buying an ice maker. Smart move! With global warming, ice is going to be in great demand. Then again, big ice chunks should be floating right by North America soon, so access to ice will be easier.

Hmmm, tough call


There's been a huge oil discovery off the coast of Brazil. Looks like it's time for an "international incident" and an "accidental invasion." Hooray!


News Corp.'s

MySpace has received a subpoena in a criminal case. Look, just get yourself some of that telecommunications industry immunity stuff and move on. Get to it, Rupert!

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler ( is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.