Funny Money: Edge of Oblivion - TheStreet

Funny Money: Edge of Oblivion

John Mackey's true identity, Google's antidebt campaign, China's antibribery policy and more.
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Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Whole Foods'

John Mackey used an online alias to pump up the company's stock. Oh no, he may have duped the savvy investors who get their business advice from chat rooms! All those 40-year old men in their parents' basements pretending to be 16-year-old Asian girls might not have spent their collective $157!

Okay, I don't wanna bad mouth Yahoo! Finance. Truth is, Mackey was just hiding the fact that he's LonelyGirl15.

In other online news,

Google

purchased Postini for $625 million in cash.

Whoa.

Cash? Um, maybe you haven't noticed, "Google," but there's this little thing called "massive debt'" we're all using irresponsibly, hurdling society to the edge of oblivion... Get on board.

In a related story, the group planning to buy

SLM

-- the student loan company better known as Sallie Mae -- said the deal was at risk. Not to worry, Sallie Mae will hound it every month for the rest of its life until it pays for the deal.

Former Treasury Secretary John Snow said raising fuel standards would harm the U.S. auto industry, causing almost as much damage as the industry's done to itself. In a totally unrelated development, Snow is now chairman of Cerberus Group Capital, which is buying

Chrysler

.

In other M&A news,

Chicago Board of Trade

got approval to merge with the

Chicago Mercantile Exchange

. Inside info: Markets are merging, and companies are combining, in order to form giant robots to battle Voltron for the safety of the galaxy. Seriously. You can look it up.

Gerdau Ameristeel

agreed to acquire

Chaparral Steel

, then reprise his roles in

Cyrano De Bergerac

and

Green Card

. Gerard Depardieu... French joke... Anyone?

Hello?

Nothing like mumbling and xenophobia to make a little ha ha.

Speaking of making fun of foreigners, China executed the former FDA official who took bribes to approve untested medicine. Lemme repeat that: China

killed

a government official for being corrupt.

Death.

Not a Medal of Freedom.

Death.

What kind of barbaric country even executes criminals anymore...

oh wait.

What kind of barbaric country even holds government official accountable anymore?

Barbarians!

China also prohibited the use of poisonous industrial solvent in toothpaste.

Happy now, smile haters?

Florida's governor signed a bill to cut emissions by 25% over the next 18 years. Hey Florida, why do you hate warmth? Hurricanes are a boon to your (re)construction and emergency shelter industries?

The

SEC

passed a rule that will allow it to regulate hedge funds, then uncrossed its fingers and took an all-expense-paid trip to Sardinia. I feel better already.

The CFO of

Marvell Technology

resigned after filing delayed financial reports, then he assumed his superhero identity, "The Scapegoat." Oh wait, sorry,

Marvell

not Marvel.

Home Depot

said its earnings per share would decline this year... But they'll make up for it with their signature product, the illegal vendor chargeback.

Genentech's

profit soared 41% on the success of their cancer treatment and their revolutionary "treat but don't cure" policy: A living customer is a repeat customer, as long as they still need us.

Bayer

introduced a video game to get younger people to use Aleve... by giving them carpal tunnel syndrome.

Between 2001 and 2005, the amount of TV advertising by alcohol companies grew 30%, while they cut $2 million from their spending on public service ads.

And this is surprising because?

In other shocking news, A Bush administration official spoke out against raising taxes on private equity.

And this is surprising because?

In other shocking news, a Medicare study found that coordinating care between doctors lowers medical costs...

And this is surprising because?

A former partner at Milberg Weiss plead guilty to paying plaintiffs to file suit in securities class-action suits. If our corruption fighters are corrupt, why even bother? They've been hung on their own petard. Let the looting begin!

Now Milberg Weiss has to hire a white-collar defense firm. Oh, how the worm has turned. "Hey guys, you know how we're always calling you sleazy dirty slick conniving and evil in court? Could you do that for us now?"

Standard & Poor's will tighten the rules for issuing bonds backed by subprime mortgages. Right after it does that, it will go up to the horse and ask it to return to the barn.

Finally, next up for

Apple

fanatics: the iKoolAid, available in Jonestown flavor.

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (

JeffKreisler.com

) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He's the winner of the 2006 Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime, for Prentice Hall Press. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

click here

to send him an email.