Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
I was playing "Clue" the other day, trying to figure out who killed my concept of "success." It was
, with $1.65 billion, in the YouTube.
Wow. What a deal. Google CEO Eric Schmidt called it "the next step in the evolution of the Internet." That explains why
just got opposable thumbs.
The concern about YouTube -- the non-profit company using video technology that's been duplicated and improved elsewhere -- is the threat of copyright lawsuits. As a former lawyer, let me assure you, our culture is weeding out all remnants of creativity, so that won't be an issue soon. Don't believe me? Go rent
. That writer should've
to watch that.
In other M&A news this week,
, which has already overcome the absence of a space bar on its keyboard, bought the maker of Breathe Right nasal strips and FiberChoice. It's part of the company's "Easy in, Easy out" strategy.
bought a British company working on a new flu vaccine, causing sharp rise in shares of "There's going to be a 'surprise' flu outbreak in London soon."
Two Russian companies and a Swiss commodity trader merged to create the world's largest aluminum maker. They formed a thin-skinned, wobbly robot that
crushed on its forehead.
PNC Financial Services
to increase its presence along the New Jersey-Washington region, a.k.a. The I-95 "Learn how to drive, you jack munch!" Corridor.
is joining with
to make beef jerky. Can't wait for Roadside Surprise Chew and Exhaust Pipe Snackers.
will be bought out by Apollo Management. Finally...a private hot tub on the moon.
purchased the rights to the starting time for White Sox baseball games. "Is nothing sacred?" asked baseball fans as their steroid-laced hero ran into the Chevy sign in left field of
to catch a ball hit by a millionaire who wouldn't have been able to play a few decades ago because of racism.
Is nothing sacred?
Speaking of the profane, the Justice Department approved
. The move angered consumer groups, according to telephone transcripts acquired by the Justice Department from BellSouth and AT&T.
Our Tax Dollars at Work
In other DC-developments, the Justice Department has begun an antitrust investigation into several private equity firms. In response, the firms bought out DOJ.
There was a series of articles about tax breaks for questionable religious purposes in
The New York Times
this week. You know, I believe, I
, I deserve some, too. Don't question my beliefs! Gimme.
The EPA announced that
, the cooper producer, had committed numerous violations for years. In response, Asarco's execs were appointed to a Presidential Task Force to revise EPA regulations.
The budget deficit shrunk, so it's kinda like we're drowning under a little less water.
Speaking of excess water, Senator Trent Lott is investigating insurers in the Gulf over refusal to pay his homeowner claims. "Come on," the Senator said. "This type of non-preferential treatment is supposed to be for my constituents."
A Columbia professor won the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Science for a theory about the interaction between wages, unemployment, and inflation. I think I know: when you're get fired you earn no money to spend so demand goes down and prices don't rise. There. Where's my award?
Stocks continued to rally this week, buoyed by an increase in the supply of rogue nuclear weapons, unchecked political hypocrisy, and lower energy costs.
Yes, oil prices continued to fall. OPEC leaders haven't been able to agree on action because their ears are full of money.
Back on the corporate news front,
LVMH Moet Hennessy Louis Vuitton
-- which manages to combine champagne, cognac, and handbags -- appointed a new head of U.S. brands to improve the slumping Donna Karan brand. Donna Karan was recently seen wearing a red hat and calling itself a "Fashion House of a Certain Age."
CEO Andrew McKelvey resigned because clouds obscured the full moon and it began to rain silver bullets full of holy water. Oh, and, uh, stock options.
CEO resigned after three months on the job, citing his desire to produce only one fraudulent quarterly report per company. The new Airbus chief promised to ship out any poor performers, but then announced a delay in delivery of the ship to do so.
both announced resignations of their CEOs in wake of the too-many-capitalized-letters scandal.
Meanwhile, the chairman of
resigned, a move that was reported a day earlier on
Martha Stewart Living
is starting a new fund in London. It's a "fund-of-funds," which will assure either stability or mutual destruction.
is the latest environmentally friendly energy company to receive venture capital investments. Said a Amyris spokesman, "Their green helps us pursue green which will make our competitors green." Then he married Miss Piggy. (Wait for it.)
may take the company private so it can, without complaint, downsize the Knicks.
announced plans for an IPO as early as 2007. Here's hoping the company misses a payment to investors and is charged a $25 billion late fee.
Karma: It's everywhere you want to be.
A new study shows that people are influenced by the size of packaging and portions when deciding how much to eat. The study thereby wins this week's Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness to be presented at the Clean Plate Club.
Finally, more big name celebrities are doing commercials, even though struggling actors could use the work. Thanks for stealing my underwear gig, Gisele. It's over. Stop calling me.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.