Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Yes, as reported last week, I'm free of
as of Feb. 4. Please track my columns, books and comedy gigs at
. Miss you too.
0.75%: The interest rate cut, or Ben Bernanke's blood alcohol level when he made it?
My conversation with a jittery market: "Hey stock market, how are...
Sorry, just kidding. Seriously, how's...
Oh my gosh! Look out!
Whoa, whoops, sorry, that's nothing. So, um, are you...
He's got a gun
No wait, my bad, it was a rate cut. So... what's up?"
Good news, America! We still have the ability to cripple the world! No, not with our spread-too-thin military, but with the aggregate power of our poor! Hooray!
It's OK everyone. We're all gonna die. It's just money. Get over yourself and go hug your kid while there are still child labor laws.
And if we are going down, might as well take
stock with us.
Some are convinced that the current crisis is due to Wall Streeters making bets they didn't understand. It's like, "Well, the Patriots haven't lost, so I'm laying a trillion on them winning the Kentucky Derby."
Well, at least the downturn will be a boon for bankruptcy lawyers. What? No more personal bankruptcy? Well, then securities class action lawyers will... Wha? Shareholder lawsuits restricted by the Supreme Court? Well, at least someone will hold reckless short-sighted executives and decision makers responsible. Right? Right? Ooh, sweet racket.
The market is so volatile. Really wish I'd invested my social security savings in it. Actually, this is why I never make any disposable income in the first place. This and the lack of marketable skills... but mostly this.
On to other business world news...
Video games have begun allowing players to purchase virtual items. Oh, perfect. Buying speculative stuff on credit has worked out really well so far. Glad we're teaching the kids how to do it.
The New York Times
ran a piece about Chris DeWolfe, the head of MySpace, being surprised when Rupert Murdoch topped his plan to expand to three or four countries by suggesting 13. Chris, you read the employee handbook. What part of "world domination" don't you understand?
HBO will begin broadband programming in Green Bay. Smart move. Lotta cold, depressed cheeseheads there right now. Nothing like a little
Sex and The City
to cheer them up and get their minds off New York... Oh wait.
The latest departing editor of the
Los Angeles Times
criticized the media industry for its lack of focus on serious news, then asked Tom Cruise what he thought about the credit crisis.
A former Goldman trader of subprime securities started a business placing urns along undersea reefs. Once again, reality wins. Leaving finance to use death to fund the source of life. Of course, that was the plot of the first
movie, but who's counting?
EU regulators are cutting back biofuel funding because biofuel's worth may have been overstated. Wait... businessmen may have exaggerated their product's value in light of an overhyped fear-fed boom? Shocking. Join us next week on
No Duh Theater
when we learn that a kid in a candy store isn't just a bad metaphor, it's also a bad idea.
Companhia Vale do Rio Doce
of Rio de Janeiro is talking to Xstrata in an attempt to use the sheer lunacy of their names to cheer me up. It's working!
might fetch as much as $1.5 billion. Really? For pictures of a gas station? Or is it a Golden Girl? (Estelle Getty, anyone? Thank you for being a friend).
NBC is ending its pilots season. Good. Soon, no more TV, and we can all just huddle together for warmth while entertaining the young-uns with tall tales of "The Market That Always Went Up."
Reality shows are willing to include product placement into their programs. Gee, you'd think that reality producers' respect for the integrity of the art of entertainment would... (I can't even finish that thought. Feeling sick.)
Yeah, Apple's stock fell, despite the latest Macworld lovefest. Forecasters don't believe sales will keep growing. Gee, you think that the same old stuff simply repackaged and rebranded won't sell? Don't tell the presidential candidates.
announced that more than half of its workers are enrolled in its health care plan. Of course, that plan is simply "If you get sick, you're fired," but still... they're covered.
After losing $3.3 billion,
is exploring "strategic alternatives." In an attempt to continue grand understatements, it is also looking for "money," "help," and "a one-way ticket to Namibia."
Bank of America's
profit fell 95% in the fourth quarter... But it's selling $6 billion in shares. Wow, that's gotta be one heck of an advertising campaign. "Hey investors wary of financial! We're down 95%, so join us now, because it can't get any worse! (Not a guarantee)."
Meg Whitman retired as CEO of
. Her successor, John Donahoe, was chosen after his last-minute bid on the job was 1 cent more than the next highest offer.
The FDA is now requiring drug companies to evaluate suicide risks in new products. So they weren't before? Probably too busy approving drugs for diseases that don't exist.
lost $1.6 billion in the fourth quarter, but, heaven forbid you miss one little payment on your student loans...
It's Gitmo for you, deadbeat.
Societe Generale lost $7.2 billion because one unsupervised individual made a series of secretive, bad decisions and then, while covering them up, kept making the problem worse. Huh. Same exact scenario created the mess in Iraq.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (
JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.