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Funny Money: Bad Accents

Bernanke attacks the dollar, Apple invades Europe and Nasdaq fights foreign invaders.

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

He did it.

He did it!

Ben Bernanke cut rates by a half-point! All is well! John Lennon's dream has come true!

If you're wondering how a half-point rate cut will save the economy, check out

my interview with an "expert."

The rate cut is great news. Not for the economy or the dollar or people who've lost their homes, but mostly for business reporters and Fed experts, and isn't that what really matters?

The dollar is now even with the Canadian currency, the 'loon'. Does that mean we have to give Montreal back the Expos?

In corporate news, talks between


and the UAW continue, with the great hurdle remaining health care costs. I'm telling you: Institute a military draft for retired autoworkers and you'll kill many birds with one big stone.

A European court upheld an antitrust ruling against


, forcing the company to release Western Civilization 3.0. It's bundled with the Third Reich video player, which really messes up certain systems.

Meanwhile, the iPhone was introduced in Europe but faces skepticism in a region with historical perspective. "Arrrrrgh, this is just like the old iGiantStoneTablet fad from Stonehenge Industries."

Yes, that's a pirate accent. It's the only one I do.

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did agree to put German phones on the T-Mobile network. Said a spokesman: "Vee have vays of making you download music without a stylus."

OK, I also do a bad German accent.


had higher than expected profits, as you can see in the attached PDF file which... crap, I can't download. OK, downloaded, but won't open. What? Fonts? Upgrade? Image editor? This thing stinks...


bought Zimbra and now owns that entire corner of the alphabet. Watch your step,



will move from Dulles, Va. to New York City, because, if they can't make it there, they can't make it here, either, but maybe they'll stop trying to make it anywhere.

New York is filing a Medicaid fraud suit against


over Vioxx.

Can't you all just leave Merck alone?! Leave Merck Alone! It's just trying to make a huge profit without regard to cost in human life! Just leave that poor pharma company alone!

Dubai is buying a huge stake in


and the

London Stock Exchange

. If they can't control the ports, they'll just control everything else.

Ever picture China and Dubai as two buzzards, preparing to fight over America's corpse?

Me neither.

In a


unrelated development,


apologized to China for having tainted toys from China. In related news, in a trailer somewhere, a bruised young boy apologized for getting in the way of his father's fist.

General Mills

had high profits. Their cereals are poison-free. The toys inside each box?

Different story.

Let's just invest in technology to convert lead to oil already.

Troubled Youth, Lost Adulthood

When your

addictive video game

features retired athletes who most know from

Dancing With The Stars

, maybe you shouldn't be playing video games. Get a job and pay for your kids' college. It's OK to let youth go.


The first person to mention Christmas shopping dies.

The news that


MySpace is mining member data to construct personalized ads makes me wonder:

At what age will our tastes stop evolving?

When a toddler gets his first toy, will a marketing firm then sell him only accessories for that toy, and he'll thereafter only develop interest in that toy, getting targeted ads related to that toy, until finally he's overwhelmed by a life filled with nothing but consumption of the pantsless wonder that is that first Pooh Bear?

I hope so.

Soon, a man in a room will decide what everyone likes, what everyone sees, what everyone does. That man: Kevin Bacon.

Securities lawyer William Lerach plead guilty to offering plaintiffs kickbacks to file lawsuits. This brings the number of self-interested, greedy people involved in the securities industry to three.

Of course, this will throw into question hundreds of important class-action suits brought by Lerach's firm. You see, little people, the big guys don't stop fighting, even after they lose. You could learn from that. You might not be able to shoot the messenger, but you can certainly punch the lawyer.

Other revelations in Alan Greenspan's memoir: He misses his "precious" ring of power, shot JR, and originally wanted to be a hip hop DJ known as "irrational exuberance."

Ever worry that OPEC will run out of room for all its money?

Barack Obama proposed tax cuts for the middle class. Not to be outdone, Mike Huckabee promised to give every little girl a pony, and Sam Brownback will provide Republicans with free cooties vaccinations.

The NBA is making a stronger effort to enter the market in China. Step one: Eliminate Milwaukee.

With the slowing real estate market, some office towers are offering high-end amenities like gyms and pools, while some tenements are offering low-end perks like walls and plumbing.

Dan Rather is

suing CBS. Filing an amicus brief on his behalf: Katie Couric. "If it please the court, um, I'd like to give him back the job. Thanks."

The deal to buy

Sallie Mae

may be falling apart. The buyers want a better dowry, her father keeps pointing a shotgun at them, and $900 million is much less fair than the normal breakup fee of a lost CD collection.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission asked Congress for better tools. Right now they only have a Playskool microscope, an Easy-Bake oven, and several inspectors with Kung-Fu grip.



is testing Botox as a cure for overactive bladders. Botox: a virus to make you more attractive, and pee better. Hmmm. If only it could smooth out the emptiness in our souls.

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler ( is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.