Casino chain


got a $15 billion buyout bid. The offer wasn't in cash or stock -- it was in coupons for an all-you-can-eat buffet.

This happened just as the feds cracked down on offshore Internet gambling. Coincidence? Or a conspiracy to make sure we're away from the computer, in public, and wearing a shirt before we lose our shirt?

The Dow soared past its previous high, set in January 2000. Hmmm ... January 2000 ... Internet bubble ... that turned out well for everyone, right?

The CEO of teen clothier

Pacific Sunwear

resigned in scandal this week, after inadvertently saying "bro" to someone who was clearly a "dude." Whoa, man.




for selling knockoffs of its luxury bags in violation of an obscure 1986 Executive Order Requiring That Fake Stuff Come From Chinatown.

Elton John -- he of fanciful eyewear -- is launching a line of home fragrances. So far, sales are brisk for "Candle in the Wind," but not so much for "Goodbye Marlon Brando."

The former CEO of American Tissue was sentenced to 15 years in jail, where he's expected align with the CEO of American Cigarettes to stand up to the bullies from American Laundry Detail.

Levi's is apparently making a recovery as a hip destination for traditional jeans. Also revived from Levi's last era of hipness: grunge bands, snail mail and Yugoslavia.

In her book, former


head Carly Fiorina claims she, too, pursued leaks. Hey, I've got a book coming out in the spring -- could I spy on my former self to hype it? I know what I did last summer.

The Census Bureau said that housing costs have hurt consumers for five years. You know, guys, if we wanted bad news from you, we wouldn't have you going door to door to keep busy. Now zip it.


CEO John Thain did say that he was open to buying part of Deutsche Boerse in addition to Euronext. "OK, if we have to take over the world, we will," he said. "Just don't make us like it." The NYSE then annexed Poland.


has begun testing new uniforms: Khaki pants and navy shirts, which absorb the broken spirits of those whose lack of health care subjects them to untold indignities. "Welcome to Wal-Mart, may I help you get typhoid fever?"

Wal-Mart also unexpectedly lowered September sales estimates after discovering miscalculations at several locations. Seems "employees" were listed as "inventory." Again.



CEO Jacob Alexander was granted bail in Namibia. He established himself in the country by purchasing a home, enrolling his kids in local schools and sending a thousand phishing emails about winning lotteries and desperate diplomats. Also, Alexander promised the judge he'd get Angelina Jolie to swing by next time she was in town.

The decline in the housing market has hurt several television shows about the real esate industry. Oh no! Not reality TV! Bail out the real estate market now, Mr. Bernanke! I beg of you! Thousands of untrained actors and millions of bored viewers need your help!


U.S. sales rose 25% in September while



Daimler Chrysler's

fell. I'm no "economist," but I think that's an arse-whooping.

GM ended the possibility of merging with Renault or Nissan because of their insistence on pursuing "profits" and "solvency."

Isn't weird how just when we get serious about pursuing alternate sources of fuel, gas prices come down? And during an election season? I'd be more suspicious if the energy industry wasn't controlled by, like, three people. I'm sure they've got our best interests in mind.

Next week on the Funny-Files: Pie. Is it really delicious, or is that just what they want you to believe?

Delivery of Airbus' A380 has been delayed again. Those waiting for the plane have been given the option of using a voucher to stay at a local hotel or taking three shorter flights directly to bankruptcy.

The problem with the A380 is retrofitting it for the American consumer, which means the superjumbo jet will seat only one.


closed plants in Arkansas and Indiana to move production to Mexico. So wash your clothes in Whirlpool products, just don't drink the water.

Do you think Carl Icahn stencils little company logos on the side of his car? I like to think so. It makes it easier to understand his stubbornness over


, whose only product just lost patent protection.

Steve Jobs apparently knew about the backdating of options at Apple. Said Jobs, "Sure iKnew, but iDidn'tProfit and i'MNotInTrouble." Then he released a new version of something with bells and whistles and iForgotAboutIt.

The German automaker Volkswagen bought a stake in an Austrian truck-maker called MAN. A German-Austrian alliance determining the future of MAN? Didn't we try that once before?

The Institute for Supply Management released a study showing cutbacks at factories across the nation, prompting economic observers to ask, "Factories? What are those?"

Manufactured goods and service industry numbers indicate a sluggish economy. But the Dow! The Dow! The Dow is on fire! We don't need no underlying economic growth, let the humpty-dumpty burn!!!

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler ( is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

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