Funny Money: A Little Caviar and Sympathy

Jailbound or not, Fastow, Ebbers, Alexander and Dunn deserve our understanding.
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Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Former Enron CFO Andrew Fastow was sentenced to just six years in prison, though after jail he'll be taken to Tattooine and thrown into the pit of the Sarlacc where, as C-3PO told us, "In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years."

I'd appeal.

Actually, Fastow got a relatively lenient sentence because he cooperated and his wife had served a year in prison. Mercy because of spousal prison time, ay? Time to rewrite that pre-nup.

Speaking of which, Bernie started prison! Bernie started prison!

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

"Hey Jeff, have some sympathy for the poor guy. He's not bred for prison." Thanks for the genetic superiority advice, Barbara Bush, but I believe all scum are created equal.

Besides, the former WorldCom chieftain is going to a minimum security prison with no fencing. Egads! His caviar might not be Beluga.

It's

Oz

, corporate exec style! Watch CFOs drink wine ...

from California!

Be amazed as the board of directors rows crew ...

without a coxswain!

"Hey! Who does a VP have to downsize around here to get a sundried tomato and pesto omelet?"

Meanwhile,

Congress

wants to know how

H-P

got such good spies, since the U.S. is stuck with "Spies Like

Them

" (pointing to Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd).

H-P's former chairwoman, Patricia Dunn, told Congress that, if there was spying at her company, she didn't do it. ... But, if they wanted to find out who did, she "knows a guy: sneaky, discreet, not too pricey."

Meanwhile, former hedge fund manager Hilary Shane faces charges of securities fraud and insider trading. Nice to see women finally treated as equals on Wall Street.

Robert Sillerman's valet was busted for insider trading and not realizing that "the butler did it" is just an expression.

In other police-blotter developments, fugitive

Comverse

CEO Jacob Alexander was captured in Namibia, where he was teaching bushmen to backdate leopards. Alexander denied any wrongdoing, saying he was just going to Africa to gather more fictitious names for his options scam, adding, "I really shouldn't have said that."

Meanwhile,

Viacom's

top dog had his pay cut. Crazy Sumner! His prices are

insane!

Mr. Redstone commended the compensation committee for cutting his pay, then enrolled them in a Scientology seminar.

Sharper Image's

CEO resigned once shareholders realized they didn't need an executive that came with a nightlight, a vibrating armrest and an alarm clock.

Elsewhere,

DaimlerChrysler

is in talks with a Chinese automaker to sell cars in the U.S. The big auto company wants something tank-like that will roll through public squares and over people, preferably union reps.

GM

, on the other hand, is reportedly "wary" of its proposed alliance with Renault and Nissan. Said a GM spokesman, "This 'profit' that you speak of, how will it help us?"

In a related story, 73% of

Delphi

workers accepted buyouts of up to $140,000. They'll use that money to short sell Delphi stock, invest in China, or buy a boat, which everyone will be driving once the ice caps melt.

Meanwhile,

Chevrolet

launched a new ad campaign designed to link the company to "America." A big, bloated industry that refuses to adapt to the environmental and economic demands of the world? Sounds just like what Rosa Parks fought for. (She's in the ads. Really!).

In other corporate news,

Revlon

will cut back workforce and production. Sales are down because Americans finally appreciate inner beauty and the worth of women beyond physical appearance. (Pause. Pause.) Aw, I'm kidding. We're just broke.

In a cost-cutting move, investment bank

Credit Suisse

banned the use of color photocopying. Also, traders who engaged in cocaine-induced rampages must reimburse the company for any missing secretaries.

Walgreen's

profits rose 25%, but its stock fell because it didn't meet expectations. Who are these expect-ators? Why do they have so much power? How can I become one?

Johnson & Johnson

filed suit against

Guidant

and

Boston Scientific

under the "Sore Losers" provision of the Jennifer Aniston Act of 2004.

Millennium Pharmaceuticals

bought

AnorMed

, a Canadian biotech company whose cure for cancer should be ready in, oh, about a thousand years.

Amgen

has priced its colon cancer drug Vectibix 20% below competitor

ImClone's

Erbitux. But since it's still $100,000 for a one-year supply, the company "doesn't want to be a charity." No, it just wants to profit from the last hopes of the dying. Hey, if that doesn't work out, why not move to Boca and sell penny stocks?

AOL

has dropped plans to produce live concerts online, largely because it was a stupid idea. Live concerts are a right of passage, complete with smoke, lasers and sweaty strangers. You just can't duplicate that, even with DSL.

Speaking of which, South Korea is developing a universal system of wireless Internet service. Considering that Internet access in the U.S. is a $60 billion enterprise, I'd say the chance of Korea's humanity-serving research succeeding is somewhere between the electric car and educational television, i.e., Null.

Meanwhile, health care costs are rising twice as fast as inflation. Well, I guess we'll just have to increase inflation now, won't we? A federal panel advised Congress to take immediate steps to provide affordable coverage for all Americans. Whatever. Like most of my fellow citizens, I get health care from

Grey's Anatomy

.

In a

totally

unrelated story, U.S. is the sixth-most competitive economy in the world, at least according to the World Economic Forum, a.k.a. "Shutup shutup shutup!"

BUT! We're okay. We still lead the world in the development of nanotechnology. Any day now, we'll be able to use tiny, microscopic machines to put advertisements directly into your brain.

Speaking of which, even

more

advertisers are turning to user-produced content. Ingenious! They've outsourced work without leaving the country. It's even cheaper than India!

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

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