Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
It's announcement time everyone! Stephen Colbert's running for President, and I, Jeff Kreisler, author of
Funny Money columns, am running...
for my life
. Apparently, the missus doesn't like me playing "Twister" with undergrads half my age after gigs.
Speaking of which, I had a show Thursday night at Plymouth State University (
) at the same time as the Red Sox game and an event called "Pizza and Porn." Dude, those are three of my four favorite things (after, um, my wife).
didn't even want to go to my show.
In corporate news,
weight-loss drug Alli had impressive sales. I can't wait to find out what's wrong with it! Cancer? Diabetes? Heart disease? What are the lucky side effects? Seriously, I'm going to build a log cabin on Walden Pond and just wait this thing out.
Can anyone bring by some porn?
reported a 67% profit increase and released a new operating system to be upgraded every 20 minutes for the rest of our lives. Oh good, as long as we're addicted to something. Keep drinking the Kool-Aid, everyone.
Ya see, I actually like Apple products. Heck, got my first MacSE in 1990. That's the problem. I get grumpy when the things I like become popular.
I wanna be special!
Same reason I hate people picking up other trends I've got like messenger bags, jeans with blazers, and crippling manic-depressive sadness.
bought a $240 million share in Facebook. Somehow, I think
won this battle. Ya see, every few months there's gonna be some new hot social networking site. Plus, once something gets corporate, it's no longer cool. MySpace, LinkedIn, blogs, Web sites, email, cellphones... It's all gonna change quickly, friends. So don't waste you money on any of this. Just join me up at Walden, and we'll have a grumpy old time.
Microsoft also relented in its decade-old antitrust fight with the EU. It will share technical information with European rivals, and, to be spiteful, will also release Ethnic Strife and Third Reich Version 4.0 and make everyone actually use Windows Vista.
In other tech news,
reported an increase in profit... wait, TI? I had a TI calculator before my MacSE... They still around? Dang. They old.
stock is near its high from 1999. See if you can find the problem in this quote from
The New York Times
: "Amazon.com announced a third-quarter profit of $80 million, a threefold increase from the $19 million it earned..." Um, three times 19 equals "Thanks for lowering the bar on math skills,
I'm sure all these high profit reports during economic uncertainty aren't fabricated. I'm so sure. No one's ever done anything that.
Speaking of economic uncertainty,
a venerable, experienced, intelligent bank, lost billions. But, yeah, we should totally let grandma invest her Social Security in the market. It's a no-brainer. Literally. No brains.
announced a plan to help borrowers restructure their loans. Just pay this onerous fee and fund this executive's bonus and sign your children up for "labor camps" and,
You're all set.
In a related story, the House is pushing a bill to allow borrowers to sue Wall Street firms who pressured lenders into granting deceptive mortgages. The banks have prepared a countersuit. "If it pleases the Court, no
, the Dubai port company, will sell 20% of its shares next month. Here's an idea: U.S. dock workers and security freaks should get together to buy it up. Turn the tables. A more likely scenario: China buys it using our debt. Joke's on them: That debt'll be no good soon enough.
USA! USA! USA!
edged ahead of
in sales through three quarters. Let me tell you the only place you see American autos: Car rental companies. Seriously. I love ya, Thrifty, but your "compact" cars shouldn't be gigantor American soul crushers.
Speaking of car and soul crushing, the
pact received approval after tight voting. The balloting was marked by hanging chads, though, in this case, Chad is just the name of a factory foreman.
So the UAW agreed to the deal. Apparently, shiny beads are still valued by some. Isle of Manhattan, union dignity... same price.
, a heating manufacturer, was bought by a private equity company. Sure, the future looks good right now, but what about April, huh? Things won't look so sunny then...
or will they?
I swear that jokes makes sense. Trust me, I'm a lawyer.
announced it will spend less on new stores. "Well, we've covered rural America, so once we link up our satellite mind-control devices with
and Apple, we'll be good to go."
A European court struck down a law that had prevented
from hostile takeovers. We need a law like that here to prevent Red Sox nation from being overtaken by front-runners. The ruling clears the way for Porsche to combine with Volkswagen. The new company could either be safe and sexy or old and unreliable. Them's the unknown risks of marriage.
You know, that
meat recall never would've happen if they'd just stuck to making baseball cards.
The Post Office introduced a new ad campaign. Um, it's the Post Office. Go mail stuff and shut up. What's next, stop lights with hip promos? "Hey kids, we're traffic signs. We're cool, we're down, we're now! Don't crash, biatches!"
had high earnings and forecasts because none of
children are poor enough to get sick ... or enlist.
Tony Blair will receive a $9 million advance for his memoir. Note to the publisher of my forthcoming book
Get Rich Cheating
: It's time to renegotiate.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.