Not a day passes without the announcement of new Internet products and services. And while innovation should be praised, I confess the pace of technology and related IPOs -- or at least their explanation -- is rushing past me.
The problem is that there's always room for a new site, which means that every entrepreneur must strive to stand out or else be replaced in the public mind by someone with a bigger ad budget or better news release. The result is an effort to impress and attract attention with a new vocabulary of words, phrases and concepts that appear to say one thing but have a second -- and entirely different -- meaning.
And so, as a public service, here are random notes from my news release translation tables. See how many phrases you recognize -- and if you have more, please send them to me at
We're investing in brand building.
Translation: We're not making a dime.
Our first goal is to establish mind share.
Translation: We're not making a dime either.
We believe there will be a paradigm shift in our industry.
Translation: Please, someone -- anyone -- buy something from us.
Let me explain our strategic vision.
Translation: The company won't make a profit for the next 47 years, if ever, but it welcomes your investment dollars.
We believe after the recent shake-out that only strong IPOs will come to market.
Translation: I wonder if I can still make 18 pounds of fries per minute?
The consumer experience has been enhanced with the addition of a single-click transaction nexus.
Translation: We removed five of six links.
DelicateStuffings.com offers a more robust fulfillment architecture for site owners with multiple channels.
Translation: Now that Fred has lost his job at the cement plant we'll have some extra help on Tuesdays.
Our independent and objective analysts believe this stock is now at the lower end of its current pricing concavity.
Translation: The partners still have more of this junk to unload.
The change in our stock valuation is merely the result of a short-term correction on Wall Street.
Translation: The price per share has dropped 80% in four months.
Revenue Increased 428% At Kumquat Heavy Industries.
Translation: Losses increased 594%.
We had a pro forma net loss of $67.8 million in the first quarter.
Translation: If we use generally accepted accounting principles (GAAP) instead of numbers picked at random, the real loss was $149.3 million.
WeHoldYourKneesForCollateral.com Announces Lending Solution For Small Business Owners.
Translation: We're selling a product.
BoiledLemons Named Preferred Content Provider For SnorkValve.com.
Translation: BL is paying $4,000 a month for exposure.
We believe improved bandwidth can increase our deliverables in a way that marketers will find attractive.
Translation: We don't have enough ads.
Online Pioneer And Industry Leader LaRue TheDay Discusses Saharan Salt Lick Industry.
Translation: LaRue has been online four months and the "sector" consists entirely of, well, LaRue.
Kremlin Peoples Plant #7 To Market Exciting Plutonium Teething Rings On Internet.
Translation: It's not exciting.
Trust us when we tell you our firm is entirely ethical.
Translation: I wonder if the O.J. defense team is still available?
We're a third-party provider of end-to-end electronic commerce solutions.
Translation: We'll stop by your place and load software for you.
Our third-generation product enhancements will deliver extended ease-of-use capabilities to downline users.
Translation: Our software has a new box.
We've received extensive media coverage in the past six months.
Translation: Our ad budget is really paying off.
The convergent possibilities here suggest that systemic change will occur once the powerful dynamics of the industry are redirected.
Translation: Maybe if there's a full moon someone will buy our stuff.
We have a semiexclusive content arrangement with SteelWidgets.com.
Translation: It's not exclusive.
We have a strong commitment to consumer privacy.
Translation: There are 412 ways to sell personal data collected online, but we've found only 56 buyers.
Our trend lines indicate that Old Media will be replaced rapidly as online usage becomes ubiquitous.
Translation: You know any newspapers that would consider my resume?
Internet babble makes complex those things that should be simple. If a company gets a contract, loses money, makes money, has an idea or seeks to project its interests, why not say so in plain language? Perhaps then we can all put away our cryptographer's tables and decoder rings.
Of course, the examples above are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to people, living or dead, or to organizations, solvent or not, or to actual places, events, sites or news releases is entirely coincidental.
You did know that, didn't you?
Peter G. Miller operates www.ourbroker.com, a site which he assures us is unburdened by brand-building, analytical deviances or strategic visions.