Name your own closing price for

Commerce One

(CMRC)

! Name your own closing price for

Yahoo!

(YHOO)

! Name your own closing price for

Qualcomm

(QCOM) - Get Report

!

Maybe that's what is happening. Maybe portfolio managers are using

priceline.com

(PCLN)

to get stocks to close where they want to. Let's face it: Something is at work here, and it is not the occult of hand. We are seeing some one-day moves that are simply mind-blowing.

Nothing works the way it used to. Stocks that split, like Commerce One, are supposed to go down on profit-taking. Stocks like Qualcomm, which break down on news, as it did after the sale of its handset division to

Kyocera

(KYO)

, aren't supposed to come back.

Yahoo!, which sold off so badly in the morning after a vicious hit last Thursday, roared right back and finished strongly. We are baffled; everybody is baffled. We are scratching our heads. We are marveling that people attempt to discuss this market rationally. It has nothing to do with any market anybody has ever seen. It's as if the tulips turned out to be worth a fortune, and the buyers got the last laugh.

Join the discussion on

TSC

Message Boards.

Hmm, name your own closing price for tulips!

I missed

CNBC's

Joe Kernen

today (and best of luck to Penelope and their precious new baby girl!) not just because he makes me laugh, but because he knows how nutty it all is. I miss it because he would have understood the irony of portfolio managers naming their own closing prices as 1999 concludes.

At this point, if this weren't money, nobody could take it seriously. It is only because it is money that we insist on trying to explain it in any fashion.

Which is why I think it was priceline.

Random musings

: Here's a parable for this market. Today, when Yahoo! was down 20 points and we bought stock and fretted and worried and worried and fretted and almost blinked -- meaning we almost kicked it back out -- my wife and kids arrived!

They just checked in, and we chowed down on a couple of Happy Meals and egg rolls and played chair-spin games for the next three hours. Oh, what the heck -- it's been a good year. If they can't come in unannounced this week, they will never be able to come in.

We junked

CNBC

and watched

The Smurfs

. We made giant rubber-band balls. We drew pictures of the skyline. And we hid in the giant blue wastepaper container.

And when we were done, and they went home, Yahoo! was at 410! We held on to it all!

Quick, get me

Capra

. This stuff is only supposed to happen in the movies.

James J. Cramer is manager of a hedge fund and co-founder of TheStreet.com. At time of publication, his fund was long Yahoo! and Qualcomm. His fund often buys and sells securities that are the subject of his columns, both before and after the columns are published, and the positions that his fund takes may change at any time. Under no circumstances does the information in this column represent a recommendation to buy or sell stocks. Cramer's writings provide insights into the dynamics of money management and are not a solicitation for transactions. While he cannot provide investment advice or recommendations, he invites you to comment on his column at

jjcletters@thestreet.com.