Publish date:

Mouth's Got Mail

Bring on the criticism. Our columnist has provided a simple response to all of it right here.

Letters. I Get Letters.

JACKSON HOLE, Wyo. -- And today we dip into the mailbag. Again.

Will you be my mommy?

No. I will not be your mommy.

Will you be my babysitter?

No. I will not be your babysitter (although, hmm, never mind).

Well then, will you at least hold my hand?

No. I will not hold your hand.

Economic relationships past. Economic numbers present. Economic likelihoods future. Those are the things I can tell you about. And my contribution ends there. Use the information if you think it's solid and valuable; ignore it altogether if you think it's useless.

I do care about the work. Deeply so. I am terribly proud of it. And I happen to think it is solid and valuable. But please know that it is entirely OK with me if you disagree. I do not at all mean this to sound crass, but I get paid either way. And to tell you the truth, we are all in trouble when everyone agrees with Padinha.

So can you give me any trading advice at all?

Yeah. Sure. Have a happy and healthy and profitable week.

Being so angry and mean and snotty detracts from your work. Can you please quit being so angry and mean and snotty?

No. You think I am so angry and mean and snotty that it detracts from the work?

Then do not read the column.

It's a solution so simple and perfect that it's downright beautiful.

Could you please dumb it down a bit? And could you please write a column about this thing I heard on television? And could you maybe do rewrites like Cramer does?

No, no, no.

What we have here is not a request line. It is not an interactive project. It is not a collaborative work.

What we have here is a column.

TheStreet Recommends

I am every bit as confused as you are about how an idiot like me could end up in a position like this. And yet it happened. The Gods of Chance smiled, and here I am, an unaccountable columnist. And now I get to write whatever I want to write about however I want to write about it.

You don't like what I write about or how I write about it?

Then do not read the column.

It's a solution so simple and perfect that it's downright beautiful.

I have been reading you for months. You are a hateful moron. You are clearly stupid and your column is entirely worthless.

These are the ones that most fascinate me. And I always ask these people the same thing.

Why in the world would you spend months diligently reading a column you think is entirely worthless by an author you think is clearly stupid?

Is it because your time just isn't very valuable? Is it because you're even dumber than I am? Is it some combination of the two?

I stand accused of everything from having had a childhood filled with animal torture and loneliness to condoning and promoting violence against women to being a multiple-handed economist to being too tough and obscure a read to being wrong way more than I am right.

In short, I am charged with "burdening" people with a host of things they don't want in a columnist.

And for that problem there exists a solution so simple and perfect that it's downright beautiful.

Do not read the column.

You like the analysis? Great.

You don't like all the other crap? Waaaa. Waaaa.

Tough. In this space they will never be separated.

And now on with the show.

Side Dish

Uhh, yes. I do indeed know that yesterday's

column was tough to read.

One of the better employment forecasters around is calling for a 145K payroll print.