Let's See Miss Manners Respond to This One

Certain types of email don't merit a response. Cramer offers up one example.
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I get a ton of email. I read all of it. I answer a lot of it. I try to be cordial, but sometimes it gets tough. Here is a composite of the type of email that I do not respond to.

Yo Krammer, you jerk: I know you don't read your email anyway, so here goes. After you panicked on October 8, virtually wiping out my family and leaving me penniless, you now have the guts to like the market. You are everything I hate about Wall Street, with your on the one hand and on the other approach. Stick to one position and make up your mind already, you loser. You don't read this stuff anyway, so so what.

Okay Krammer, my biggest problem with you is this Net stuff. I bought

Onsale

(ONSL)

because you recommended it, and then it went down 20 points.

Note: I have never recommended Onsale and have never owned it.

. I then shorted

Yahoo!

(YHOO)

because of you

Note: I am long Yahoo.

and then had to cover up 40 when you said you liked it when you were hyping the Net on

CNBC

. Then I put whatever was left after you destroyed me with your recommendations in

WavePhore

(WAVO)

, which you were short even though you said you weren't and the record shows you weren't

Note, I have never traded it.

. You then personally switched the design of the site (which I refuse to pay for and keep getting on by using multiple emails for new trials) to something that doesn't work on my 386 chip and my Hayes modem (which I bought when I saw you owned 5% of that company and then got toasted anyway, thanks for not telling me to buy that, you joker) and when I called customer service they wouldn't let me speak to you even though I know you sit there next to Kansas all day trading stocks as soon as he gives you the go-ahead but right before we see the articles.

Anyway, all I ask is that if you ever do an IPO that you give me as much stock as possible, except if it is bad, then I want to be short it, Krammer, and I hope that you lose a fortune either way, because I am a family man and you are a scoundrel.

Tell me what you are long so I can short it. The only way I know to make money is to bet against you, as you obviously have never made any money in the market and I am confident that I am better and smarter than you are. Loser.

Do you think I should buy

eBay

(EBAY) - Get Report

here? And which way are interest rates headed? Could you get Herb Greenberg to write a positive article about

Iomega

(IOM)

? And I am long

National Gift Wrap

, a penny stock, and if you hype it next week I will make lots of money.

-- Your devoted fan

How would you respond? Let's see your reply.

James J. Cramer is manager of a hedge fund and co-chairman of TheStreet.com. At time of publication his fund is long Yahoo!, although positions can change at any time. Under no circumstances does the information in this column represent a recommendation to buy or sell stocks. Cramer's writings provide insights into the dynamics of money management and are not a solicitation for transactions. While he cannot provide investment advice or recommendations, he invites you to comment on his column by sending a letter to TheStreet.com.